Alive and flim-flam-flazooing.
Like all reputable news items it started as a Tweet. Then it became a Re-Tweet. Then a Trending Topic. Then the #1 Trending Topic. And by the time those gossip hounds at Twitter were done it was headline news across America: Bill Cosby is dead. According to a source close to Cosby, he is not dead. That source is Bill Cosby. And I believe him, because in the history of our relationship I have found Dr. Bill Cosby to be honest and truthful about everything, from the deliciousness of Jell-O Pudding Snacks to the deliciousness of Jell-O Pudding Pops. They ARE delicious. And until the day they stop being deliciousness I’m going to believe him every time he tells me he’s not dead.
Dr. Coz proclaimed his not-deadness on Larry King, which would’ve been a good idea if so many didn’t also believe Larry King to be dead. There are more than a few people who believe the episode was the first ever televised interview between two ghosts. And who can blame those people? It’s too cool and makes too much sense. And also, I just Tweeted it. #larrykingafterlife
This is the fourth time it’s been announced that Bill Cosby died. Four times! Not to be callous, but you’d think someone would’ve actually tried to kill him by now. Instead, someone just wants the world to think he is dead. I get it, it’s like a control of information thing. Now it’s just a matter of following the money trail to figure out who’s pulling the strings. If people think that Bill Cosby is dead the price of smugness drops, making it available to buy on the cheap. And who is most benefited by low-cost smugness? That’s right: Hippies. It was definitely hippies who slandered Bill Cosby. I’m 73% sure.
Listen up, smugness consumers: Bill Cosby may be trapped in an earthly purgatory of inhuman self-righteousness, but he is not dead. Don’t let these tree-huggers corrupt the open market!
My guess is Cosby will never die. There’s a select few black celebrities who will live forever; who may have always lived. Cosby is one of them. Oprah is another. Magic Johnson? Dude beat AIDS. The counterbalance are rappers, average of death: Infancy. Tupac and Biggie. Really any rapper to ever have “Big” in his name. Eazy E? Dude invented AIDS.
White people live to be a certain age and then we die. We get to that day, walk the plank of death and go bye-bye. It’s big and queer and concluding, like the series finale of an 80’s sitcom. Black people go when the good Lord takes them. That’s why black people are the only one’s still go to church: Because their God is still alive. So until you see a Tweet from black people God saying Bill Cosby is dead, go ahead and assume it’s a false rumor. And if you see any Tweets from white people God, you can be sure it’s a false account.
Re-Tweet this post with Trending Topic #whitegodisdead.
My name is Ben and I keep things topical and trendy and possibly racist.
