I’m not saying our secondary education system is a little bit insane. There are plenty of legitimate reasons to enroll yourself or re-enroll yourself in a higher education as part of your constant interpersonal quest for knowledge and furthering your family’s scholastic legacy.
I get that.
I’m just saying that I am in the process of completing my Bachelor’s Degree at a prestigious private university and one of my classes is “Bowling.”
This is the best player in my class. He's a bowling prodigy MVP. Every class opens with him walking in late with his hands thrown up shouting, "YO WHAT'S UP MY TIGGAH'S" We never laugh, mainly out of fear.
Usually at the end of every course there’s a breakdown of items you’re expected to walk away with, tidbits of the class that somehow enrich your life in some way or another; here are my predictions for what I may learn come semester’s end:
It is completely disrespectful and inappropriate to smack talk other players you’re not actually friends with, but are just there to get a grade like you. Rather than making it slightly more awkward to bowl with strangers than it already is, try letting out your fake aggression by simply shouting, “SUCK IT, BERNICE!” at the top of your lungs. No one will be offended, because that hasn’t been anyone’s name for at least 40 years.
Never make a sexually suggestive joke that involves the word, “balls” when on the lane. Not because it’s crude, but simply because it’s just – way – too easy.
When not at “bat” (can you tell I’m a hodgepodge of sports knowledge?) hanging out at the Old Man Bar that will inevitably be situated in the back of every Bowling Alley is the best way to spend your time. Pretending to recount old glory day tales and peppering your stories with crafty nicknames for your old teammates is not only the best way to entertain your new 50 years and older friends, but you’ll feel cool doing it. My personal picks are: Laces McNeil, Scratch Nelson, Neil Squiggly, Harpo Bazaar (heir to the magazine fortune), Googly Eyes McGuill, and of course JJ Koolay (arguably the coolest guy on the team.)
Be careful with your smack talk. Never, under any circumstances should you yell at your slightly overweight Professor, “You better get me a spoon, ‘cause I’m gonna eat your ass!” no matter how many times she asks you politely to tie your bowling shoes.
My name is Julia Prescott and it’s taken every inch of my personal willpower to only allow one BIG LEBOWSKI reference in this entire post. Babysteps guys, babysteps.
I’m not sure why I’m attracted to pot-bellied pop culture aficionados, geek chic twenty- and thirty-somethings who wear their not-so-closeted interests on their sleeves or nerdlingers who choose to spend half their lives nocturnally, sandwiched between theatre aisles of their favorite local cinemas – but I am.
Perhaps this is why I have a not-so-secret history of being a geeky chubby chaser, or that a Wednesday night spent stuffing my face and retiring into a pot coma while “Muppets Take Manhattan” blares loudly on the TV screen is not beneath me. But most importantly, I suppose this would explain my attraction to The Big Lebowski as my single-favorite Coens movie (Raising Arizona, O Brother! Where Art Thou? and Fargo come in as close competition), and why a weekend and a half ago I spent my Saturday night clad in nothing but a unitard bedecked with the Dude’s “Business Papers” and becoming impossibly better at bowling as I became tipsier and tipsier.
The ‘fest’ as I’m sure some of you may have easily deciphered, is a celebration in all things Lebowski. Originally created 9 years ago by ‘Founding Dudes’ Scott Shuffitt and Will Russell in Louisville, Kentucky, the fest has visited Los Angeles a total of 5 times, and will hopefully be returning for more.
My enthusiasm for this event easily seeps into every facet of my life in the days leading up to it (and I’d like to take this time to apologize to those I may have annoyed with my talk of it). There is definite ‘street cred’ awarded to the few who construct the most creative costumes, and I was hungry for that recognition like that “Bacon is good for me!” kid consistently desires some deep fried ham and ‘cheeze’ in a can.
There’s something oddly gratifying about suiting up and walking down the aisles and having random nerdlingers want to take your picture. It’s like being Spencer or Heidi without all of the exhausting douchebaggery; or Miley Cyrus with a single shred of dignity.
One of the best accomplishments in costuming occurs in the form of Bro's dressing up as the lead chicks. I give you, "The Maude Squad."
Besides the chance to get crafty, many ask me why I’m so infatuated with the fest and I could easily summarize it in a list:
1. I love big burly guys.
The fest is littered with the kind of dudes who call themselves, “A Bro’s Bro” in the truest sense of the term. Not a high-truck/Sandals-lounging Orange County kind of bro who can recite their Beer Pong victories with triumphant recollection like it was a legitimate sports match, but the kind of bros that would high-five a plate of nachos while lifting toasts of White Russians to anything they deemed victorious. The kind of guys that would play bass with Duff Goldman from the Food Network’s “Ace of Cakes” and find Adam Richman from “Man v. Food” a visionary to their counterculture.
2. I love the movie.
Lebowski is layered with complexities that become increasingly enjoyable with each viewing. The Coens really struck it out of the park this time with not only weaving their literary genius into a plot that’s part Big Sleep crime noir, part stoney dark comedy but creating a world that exists in a vibrant urban fantasy – one that all ‘Achievers’ strive to be a part of in any capacity they find. Hence, the fest.
3. I love bowling.
I’m the kind of person that throws rocks down bowling lanes. I’m horrible. The more drunk I get, the strangely better I get. Though, much like those big burly Bro’seph’s that high-five plates of carb-loaded junk food, I’m the kind of girl to leap in triumph over gutter balls. It’s just my style.
4. I love geek fests.
Comic Con, Aquabats shows, Lebowskifest. Do you sense a pattern? I love arenas where like-minded nerds can participate in their geekdom together. It becomes a sort of religious experience where everyone speaks the same language and regales in the same silly absurdities of their fanaticism. And when there’s costumes involved and line parties that follow – Brother, you’ve already got me.
In the days leading up to the event I encountered many ‘Non-Achievers’ who couldn’t seem to comprehend it all. For these people, I have no words. They obviously have never tried to roll while a guy dressed up like John Goodman’s character threw a dog carrier down the bowling lane as strategic distraction all while another John Goodman-type bellowed, “Over the line!” and yet another cat-called, “Mark it zero!” on the sidelines.
Until they experience that sweet sweet surreal satisfaction, we’ll never understand each other.
Bringing the counterculture with the mainstream full circle: TMZ took a break from stalking Kate Gosselin to catch some Achievers. Observe the tipsy bliss on my face.
My name is Julia Prescott, and I sometimes roll on Shabbos.
