Posts tagged t.j. peters

The Rapture List

May 20th

Posted by t.j. peters in Daily Blogs

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Son of a bitch.  You know, I do this every year.  I mark it on my calendar, I think about it before I go to sleep, I carve backwards-written reminders into my forehead so I can read them properly when I look in the mirror—“May 21 is the Rapture”, “Rapture – May 21”, “Rapture Day is THIS SATURDAY” — but I always fucking forget.  Who knows why?  Weird thing is, I always remember Armistice Day.  Funny how some things just stick.

Some theologians speculate that during the Rapture God will only save the Sims.

In any case, here we are at the beginning of the end of days and I’m totally unprepared.  I’m sure you are, too.  For both of our sakes, I’ve jotted down a list of to dos that I’m going to try and complete before God’s divine hand lifts me up to the heavens.  Hopefully it will be helpful for you, as well.

(Note:  Some of these items will require me to bend space and time.  I’m working on that.)

-Build time machine so I can fit in all my to-dos.

-Travel around the world by air balloon.  (Alternate Option:  To save time, travel around EPCOT Center on a Segway.)

-Produce, raise, and watch my children grow into the successful adults I knew they’d always become.  I love you, kids.

-Learn the words to a church hymn.  I’m going to need to know at least one once I get into Heaven.

-Enact A Christmas Carol­-type situation on Lebron James, teaching him the error of his selfish, abandoning ways.

-Knock out an alien with a straight jab and say, “Welcome to Earf.”

-Meet Will Smith.  See what he’s all about.

-Buy milk.  We’re out.

-Write a one man show about my entire life’s story, hire a focus group, perform it for them, and find out whether total strangers from key demographics think my life was worth it.

-Convert to Christianity.

Everyone, please feel free to add to this list in the comments section.  I may have forgotten a thing or two.  Probably not, but it’s possible.  Happy Rapture!

My name is t.j. and this might be the last blog in Poop or Chocolate history.

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Schwarzenegger, Junior

May 17th

Posted by t.j. peters in Daily Blogs

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Arnold Schwarzenegger went and got himself a baby’s momma.  Don’t act so shocked.  It’s not like this is the first time an Austrian-born, former Mister Universe who rose to fame as an American action star and parlayed his success into becoming the Governor of California has cheated on his wife and had an illegitimate child.  Happens all the time.  Not to say that makes it acceptable (Poop or Chocolate has a firm anti-adultery from bodybuilders/movie stars/politicians policy) but it’s also not the End of Days or anything.

In "End of Days", Schwarzenegger plays an ex-cop who leads a revolt against Satan himself, who has taken over NYC. The only situation that could possibly be worse than that would be having to make the movie "End of Days".

Think about the positives.  For example, there is a kid out there on the playground somewhere who’s getting pushed around by a bully.  The bully says, “My dad could beat up your dad!”  Then the kid begins to cry and the bully shouts, “Oh, that’ right.  You don’t even have a dad!”  Well, in a few days that kid is going to find out that his father is Arnold Schwarzenegger.  From that point forward he will be able to look the bully straight in eyes and say, “My dad can beat up your dad!  He can also buy and sell his ass, or use his political power to deport him back to Cuba!  Also, my dad killed the Predator!  You got nothing!  How about your give me your lunch money for a change.”  So yeah, that kid’s going to be fine.

Here’s another little plus side to Arnold’s True Lies:  If this whole scenario isn’t perfect fodder for a Schwarzenegger-driven action-comedy, then the phrase “art imitates life” is worthless.  Just think about this pitch:  Grady Drake (that sounds enough like an Arnold character, right?) is the President of the United States (we’ll up the ante a bit).  After a scandal breaks revealing the identity of President Drake’s illegitimate child Jorge (he’s gotta be non-white) his marriage and political career begin to unravel.  But when young Jorge is kidnapped by a terrorist group (let’s keep it topical– Al Qaeda) President Drake enlists the help of Nadia, his half-cyborg wife (this will be revealed as a second act twist, followed by a fucking ton of Terminator references) to save his son and, perhaps, mend the riff in his marriage… So that’s that.  Tell me that movie wouldn’t make $200 million.

One one final note, I’d just like to bring up that I know we’re all supposed to feel bad for Maria Shriver, but let’s face it– it’s kind of hard to feel bad for a Kennedy on the losing end of infidelity.  Just saying.

My name is t.j. and this blog could have easily contained ten more Arnold movie title puns.

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Early Bird Gets the Zzzzzzz

May 12th

Posted by t.j. peters in Daily Blogs

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Wait, shut up a minute… I’m trying to think myself a dream…. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz…  Huh?  I’m up, I’m up!  Jesus, you don’t have to be such a dick about it.  If you’re going to wake me up then do it nicely, or never again.  I’ve been up since 4 AM, for crying out loud, and so far my morning has been a little confusing.  I’d appreciate a little cooperat… peanuts on the top shelf… Zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

4:00 AM – The alarm clock goes off.  My girlfriend has to get into work extremely early.  We briefly discuss the pros and cons of this scenario.

ME

Quit your job.

GIRLFRIEND

Help me get up.

ME

I can’t.  I’m asleep.

GIRLFRIEND

You’re talking.

ME

Dogs can’t talk.

GIRLFRIEND

You’re so right.

My girlfriend hits the snooze button.

4:10 AM – The alarm goes off again.  My girlfriend wakes with a  gasp, coming out of a bad dream.

ME

You’re okay.

GIRLFRIEND

You don’t know that.

ME

True.

GIRLFRIEND

It was so scary.

ME

What happened?

GIRLFRIEND

I can’t remember.  It was so bad, though.

ME

You sound like a liar.

GIRLFRIEND

Make some coffee.

ME

Yes, ma’am.

4:11 AM - I am at the peak of my alertness.

4:12 AM – I nearly fall asleep several times while walking to the kitchen.  I estimate that it takes me forty-five minutes to make the voyage.  In reality it was only eight, which is still eight times longer than it should take me to walk from the bedroom to the kitchen.

4:21 AM – It only takes me one minute to get back to the bedroom, crawl under the covers, and fall back asleep.  I enter a lucid dream state that, though plot-less, involves the following elements:  a Ferris wheel, a metronome, several ducks wearing hats, ESPN’s NFL expert Mel Kiper, and my girlfriend yelling at me.

4:30 AM – I wake up to my girlfriend yelling at me.

GIRLFRIEND

I don’t know what to wear.

ME

Clothes.

GIRLFRIEND

Thanks, smartass.  I’m serious.

I’m asleep again.

4:31 AM – The comforter is ripped from my body.  I helplessly roll out of bed, stumble to the closet, and pull out a hoodie and spandex shorts for my girlfriend to wear.  Despite my efforts, she chooses to go with a different option.

4:40 – It takes me a full nine minutes to reach the kitchen this time.  I pour myself a cup of coffee and drink it like a Gatorade.  My mouth burns and I’m instantly over-caffeinated.

4:43 – I write a blog about my morning.  I am now awake and focused.

On to the next task of the day.

My name is t.j .and I zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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Season Finale Preview – Shows I’ve Never Seen

May 10th

Posted by t.j. peters in Daily Blogs

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This is a big week for season finales of TV shows I’ve never seen or heard of.  A really big week.  Since I know you rely on me for all your insider gossip and speculative previews, here’s a little rundown of what to expect from some of this season’s one-half-to-full-hour-procedural-vampire-medical-reality-teen-supernatural finales.

Blue Bloods

This photo of Tom Selleck’s mustache features an insert of Tom Selleck’s mustache.

About the Show:  I learned from a black and white picture on the inside cover of a TV Guide that Blue Bloods stars Tom Selleck… that’s as far as I got.  To get some additional insight, I spoke with the show’s one fervent fan, who excitedly told me, “Donnie Wahlberg is in it, too.  And the dad from Frasier.”  As far as I know, this paraphrased oral account is the only other information on Blue Bloods available anywhere.

Finale Prediction:  Based on the presence of Tom Selleck, I think it’s safe to assume that the season finale will consist of 44 minutes of mustache grooming.

Nikita

About the Show:  This show is likely a revamp of La Femme Nikita, which we’re all more familiar with as “that show that came on after Xena:  Warrior Princess”.  It stars a sort-of Asian chick that either fights crime or is a vigilante burlesque dancer.

Finale Prediction:  Guest starring Lucy Lawless, Nikita will end with an exciting, adrenaline-filled cancellation.

CSI: New York

About the Show:  Is this the one with L.L. Cool J?  No, that’s not right.  It’s the one that stars the guy that I always mistake for Elias Koteas—that guy who played Casey Jones in the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.  No, wait.  I’m not even thinking of the right show.  This is the one where they solve the crimes by studying bones.  Nevermind, that’s Bones.  Eh, fuck it.  I don’t even know what CSI stands for.

Cum Stain Interrogators: New York, starring some faceless figures standing on a blurry subway platform. Featuring Gary Sinise.

Finale Prediction:  The 18th season of CSI: Boise wraps up with the lead investigator tracking a vicious criminal the likes that have never been seen before:  a child rapist drug trafficker trying to cover up allegations of a gambling/dog fighting ring in the midst of a reelection campaign.  Guest starring Selena Gomez.

Smallville

About the Show:  Oh yeah, that Superman show.  That’s still on, huh?  Must have a pretty loyal following of nerd’s I’d never associate with.  I mean seriously, who else has been watching this show for the last decade?  Cool people?  Yeah, right.  This is a show for nerds.  Fucking nerds.

Season Finale:  The epic saga culminates as Clark measures his strength to finally become the Man of Steel!  Long awaited, Michael Rosenbaum returns as Lex Luthor, giving Clark the fight of his life in a must-see, two-hour series finale!… Or something like that.  Who cares?  Fucking nerds.

My name is t.j. and my reviews are so cutting that TV watches me.

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CNNthused by the News – bin Laden Edition

May 5th

Posted by t.j. peters in Daily Blogs

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In today’s special edition of “CNNthused by the News”, we break down the featured bin Laden section of CNN.com’s homepage.

1.  “Victory Day” is amongst the finalists for naming the newly proposed national holiday commemorating the first U.S. soldier to die in the War in Iraq.  Besides “Victory Day”, other names in consideration are “The Worst Fucking Day of that Kid’s Life” and “Go Army Day Sponsored by the United States Army”.

2.  U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan have been critical of the Armed Forces decision to make Raid insecticides a standard issue weapon.  Says Private First Class Ned Lumen, who’s currently stationed outside Kabul, “There aren’t a lot of bugs in the desert and Raid is much less effective at killing terrorists than the rifle I used to have.  I’d much rather have my rifle back.”

3.  Most Americans say Osama bin Laden is now in hell.  Other more accurate Americans say he is in jahannam (Islamic hell).  A small contingent of sarcastic, Atheist Americans say he is at the bottom of the ocean.  Donald Trump says he is still alive and residing in a secret bunker beneath the White House, paying off his debt to society by forging birth certificates for Barack Obama.

4.  Students of Pakistan (who may or may not be Pakistani themselves) think that Osama bin Laden is still alive.  Being the most credible sources available, the students have already been booked as experts on Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura.

5.  You’ve “Gotta Watch” this video recap chronicling the last decade of painful memories, lives lost, and time wasted.  Best part is it’s a total cliffhanger!  There’s more to come!  Seriously, “Gotta Watch”!

6.  In an effort to pull the country out of debt, the U.S. Treasury placed a 6 trillion dollar bet with China that Osama bin Laden would die of complications related to his dialysis prior to May 1, 2011.  After surpassing that date and subsequently losing the bet, President Barack Obama ordered a special forces team to “Bust him up a bit… show ‘em why he’s suppos’d to go down when I tell’em to.”

7.  Early reports that President Barack Obama will have to run for against a Republican opponent in the 2012 election are swirling around Washington, D.C.  The Obama camp previously speculated that the GOP would “take this one off”, yielding Obama the winner by default.  Obama’s campaign headquarters is already working to change their 2012 election slogan, which was set to be “We Got This Shit On Lock”.

8.  Numbers 10 through 3 of the “Top Ten Evil Lairs” belong to villains from the James Bond movie franchise.  The final 3 are:

3.  Trent Lott’s smoking room

2.  Osama bin Laden’s secret cave… oh, wait.

1.  China

9.  Parents are instructed to tell their children that Osama bin Laden was a vicious sociopath who murdered thousands of innocent Americans with the kinds of airplanes people get on when they go to visit their grandmas and grandpas.  They should also inform their children that though we shot the bad man’s eyeballs out of his head, there are lots more people like him that will inevitably blow up more innocent people… perhaps at an elementary school.  Also, it’s important to make sure children understand that there is no doggie heaven.

My name is t.j. and this blog covered nine stories based on one piece of news.

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New Comedy On the House

Apr 28th

Posted by t.j. peters in Daily Blogs

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What’s your favorite cooking show?  Is it Iron Chef?  Top Chef?  Man Versus Food?  Food Network Challenge?  Network Chef Versus Iron Man Challenge? Whatever it is, we don’t give a shit.  Stop wasting our time talking about Anthony Bourdain.  Seriously, he’s not as entertaining as you say he is.

To the contrary, these folks are every bit as entertaining as we say they are, so listen up.  Our friends from BriTANick released a new video on Cracked.com today called “Most Elaborate Stalking Ever”, which (though the title doesn’t suggest it) features an amazing new cooking show called On the House.  Bon Appetit!

My name is t.j. and I wish someone would pee me a poem.

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55 Hours Less Than 127 Hours

Apr 26th

Posted by t.j. peters in Daily Blogs

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Dear Friends, Family, and Cherished Fast Food Chains,

4/24/2011, 10:02 AM – Without telling a soul, I foolishly embarked on a three day health cleanse.  I’m only to consume protein drinks and fruits and vegetables at regular two hour intervals.  I began at 8:00 AM this morning.  I fear I will be dead by nightfall.

4/24/2011, 10:06 AM – Things have only gotten worse since my last entry.  Every minute feels like a hour; every second smells like a lamb chop.  I tried eating a stopwatch.  It was too pointy.

4/24/2011, 3:48 PM – Just slept for five and a half hours.  Feeling refreshed/hungry.

4/24/2011, 6:15 PM – Drank my last protein supplement of the day.  The powder mixture comes in a container with Jillian Michaels on it.  If you find this correspondence, please kill Jillian Michaels for me.

You have boy arms. I hate you.

4/25/2011, 8:20 AM – For breakfast I ate one cup of raw broccoli.  There is no God.

4/25/2011, 11:49 AM – My mind is starting to play tricks on me.  Moments ago I thought to myself, If the cleanse is so horrible, why don’t you just stop doing it? Indecipherable nonsense, I know.  It’s like I’m living in a fever dream.

The Year 2015, Future O’Clock – I’ve decided it’s unfair that I won’t get to see the year 2015 , so I’ve written this entry from the future.  I’m writing it in the present, but as you can see, I altered the date and time, which makes it the future.  I’m totally right about this.

A “To Do” list of things I’ll need to take care of in 2015:

1.  Polish time machine.

2.  Polish professional accolades (Grammy, Nobel Peace Prize, Top Salesman – Fall 2013, etc.)

3.  Polish robo-dog.

4.  Stop polishing all your future-shit and learn how to operate the damn time machine.  You can use it to go back and stop yourself from doing that fatal health cleanse.

5.  Eat hamburger.

4/25/11, 2:23 PM – Saw a Papa John’s ad on television.  Had to destroy my cell phone and internet to prevent myself from ordering delivery.

4/25/11, 4:11 PM – Got my arm stuck under some frozen goods while trying to retrieve a quart of ice cream from the freezer.  The weight was too much for me to move in my weakened state.  I had to break off my arm at the elbow to free myself.  I’m currently building a robotic replacement.  I can’t believe my father is such a monster.

4/25/11, 4:28 PM – CORRECTION:  My arm fell asleep while watching The Empire Strikes Back on TBS.  My hallucinations are growing more vivid and parody-driven.

4/25/11, 9:33 PM – Finished my last will and testament.  I’m leaving everything to Jillian Michaels.  I take back everything bad I said about her.

4/26/11, 4:18 AM – Can’t sleep.  It could be the hunger, or it could be the fourteen 1-3 hour long hunger naps I’ve taken over the last two days.

4/26/11, 6:53 AM – It’s my final day of the cleanse and I’ve officially hit rock bottom.  As I send this message out to Poop or Chocolate I find myself thinking, I’d eat either.

My name is t.j. and in twenty-four hours I’m going to eat a garbage bag full of Chicken McNuggets.

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When the F*#k is Easter?

Apr 23rd

Posted by Ben Axelrad in Featured Blogs

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The latest great video from t.j. and The Lifelong Weekend asks the question on everyone’s mind each April.

Credits:
Producer/Director – Joe Harkenrider
Writers – t.j. peters & Brian Lane
Editor – Brian Lane
Director of Photography – Frank Supapunta
1st Assistant Director – Terrance Grant
Boom Operator – Matt Whitlock
Cast:
Gerald – t.j. peters
Sally – Kelsey Gunn
Spokesbunny – Ben Gigli
Incredible Young Talent – Donny Bowen, Mary Tio, and Tarik Ellinger

My name is Ben and I recommend you watch this while painting your eggs.

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Public Notice w/ t.j. peters

Apr 21st

Posted by Ben Axelrad in Daily Blogs

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To help the unemployed citizens of their region, the government-sponsored agency Workforce Central Florida spent $75K on a campaign that includes giving red superhero capes to those who visit their office.

An Open Letter to Workforce Central Florida

Dear Workforce Central Florida,

Though I am not a resident of Florida, I am angered by the fact that I have not yet received my cape.  I have been unemployed for some time now, yet you have made no apparent effort to provide me with this majestic garment.  Am I somehow unworthy?  Could you not find enough room in the budget to provide capes for the entirety of unemployed America?  Do you not have my size?  (I’m a smedium.)  Whatever the reason, I expect some answers—and a cape!—soon.

Before I go any further, please allow me to speculate as to the powers and origin of the capes in question.  I am unfamiliar with their mythology, so if my assumptions are incorrect, please include a detailed history and breakdown when you send my cape.  Don’t forget to send me a cape.

Obviously the capes wield the power to employ the wearer.  I think it probably works something like this:  Once the job-seeker is equipped, he or she possesses the uncanny ability to show up to a potential employer’s place of business wearing a cape, check in with the secretary while wearing a cape, ward off the jealous stares of other non-caped applicants in the waiting room,  maintain great eye contact and confidence in an interview with a cape draped over the back of his or her chair, and shake the new employer’s hand as he says, “You’re a very special guy  and I think it’s really special that you want to be part of the working world.  Congratulations, you can start bagging groceries on Monday,”… in a cape.

Also, though I have no evidence to back this up, I expect that the cape also gives the ability to see through people’s clothes, but only as deep as their underwear.

Then there’s the matter of origin.  Where did the capes come from?  My guess is that they were once part of a much larger cape worn by an intergalactic omega man who stood hundreds of a stories tall and crash landed on Earth after fleeing his dying planet of Jobiter.  With his final words he said to Owen Wentworth (the Workforce Central Florida Chairman), “Share my cape… it has job magic.”  Wentworth was in-between jobs at the time.  Heeding Employron’s advice (I’m just taking a stab in the dark with the space traveler’s name) Wentworth cut off a sliver of the cape and soon landed his current position at the WCF.  The rest is $75K worth of history.

Some people will tell you that all the money spent on this project (which I’m assuming went towards PR and ironing) is wasteful—that it could have been better spent on valuable resources like interviewing seminars or additional job placement services.  Those people are stupid.  Those people don’t wear capes.  Only superhero awesome-dudes wear capes.  Please send me a cape.  I really want a cape.

Cape Wanting-ly,

t.j.

My name is t.j. and this blog is up, up, and away!

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CNNthused by the News – April 12, 2011

Apr 12th

Posted by t.j. peters in Daily Blogs

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World news is daunting.  There’s just too damn much of it.  Websites like CNN.com give you clues as to what going on with flashy headlines and images, but who has the time to read all those articles?  I do, folks.*  In this new Poop or Chocolate segment, I will catch you up with current events by breaking down the featured news stories on CNN.com’s homepage.

*Just because I have the time, doesn’t mean I actually read the articles.

1.  In yet another example of French snobbery, the beret-wearing European nation has outlawed the consumption of all burga’s, both in restaurants and household settings.  Foreign trade authorities predict the city of Philadelphia—whose leading export to France is the burga—to be hit hardest by this change.  There is still no official word on the effect this ruling with have on cheezburga’s.

2.  The first moments of a tsunami typically occur hundreds of a miles offshore and are unseen by human eyes.  For more interesting news, click the link to the follow-up story “The Sixth Through Tenth Moments of a Tsunami (When  People Start Dying)”.

3.  New research shows that when a child with autism runs away, you should probably check the backyard swimming pool first.  Adam loves the pool.  He’d spend all day in there if you let him.  You know that.

4.  Mr. Hayden—a cranky lawyer who doesn’t like spies—suggested last week that spy chiefs should just “tell the truth”.  An official response from the spy chiefs stated, “We always tell the truth.  Who do you think we are, a bunch of covertly-operated, alias-using, above-the-law liars?  C’mon.”

5.  Four Ways We’re Still Fighting the Civil War:  1) In the dream diaries of pro-secession Texans.  2) With better guns.  3) Through the imaginative and vivid expository of Daniel Whipple, lead curator of the Fort Sumter Historical Museum.  4) Moore, Kutcher in anti-slavery crusade

6.  See Story 5.

7.  The city of Catlanta has extended a series of urgent search and rescue alerts via Twitter.  The ongoing search aims to recover the missing Art (owner of Snowball) who was last seen on the loose with close friend Jon (owner of Garfield).

8.  Charl Schwartzel told sources Monday morning that he “dreamed of winning the Masters” on Sunday night after winning the Masters.  With a heavy heart, he went on to say that the dream was much less satisfying than actually winning the tournament.

9.  (Selected “epic moments” from article.)  #4. Season 45 finale of “Survivor” draws record high 23 viewers; #17. Simon Cowell leaves “American Idol” and starts almost identical program; “The X Factor”; #31. Earthquake, tsunami devastate Japan; #32. Susan Boyle sings pretty good for an old, ugly chick.

My name is t.j. and this blog is on the 24/7 news cycle.

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