Without sounding unnecessarily scientific, nature is acting waaaaay too funky lately, yo. If we didn’t live in an historical era of complete Godlessness, we would have to agree that God has turned on us. For evidence, look no further than Indonesia . . . I know Indonesia is a long way to look . . . I’m merely saying look no further than Indonesia . . . I’m not trying to under-appreciate you looking all the way to Indonesia . . . Will you just look at this picture of a Sand Volcano already?

If images of serene natural settings are accompanied by three wolves, this picture deserves three mangy coyotes.

There are some things, totally devoid of sexuality, that nonetheless seem sexual. Indonesian Sand Volcano is one of those things. Could that sound any more like a dirty sex position? I will never hear about an Indonesian Sand Volcano and not think someone just took a dry dump on someone else’s chest.

I will also never drink sun tea. Because someone dipped their balls in it. I just know it.

It’s not even worth wondering what we did to make God mad. What haven’t we done to make God mad? We use his name in vain, break all his rules, deny his existence, skip his gatherings. We act like God is dead, but God isn’t dead. We’ve locked him in a retirement home waiting for him to die, but he’s not dead. He’s Grandpa Simpson. And that’s WAY worse. At least dead people are unaware we eventually forget about them.

The hurricanes, volcanic eruptions, and drastic climatic changes – They could all be coincidental natural disasters. But the one that indicts God as the culprit is that gigantic earthquake that struck Christchurch, New Zealand. I know I told you to look no further than Indonesia, but I guess I lied. Look over here at New Zealand now. . . Just do it.

I haven't seen a split like that since my shorts ripped in 7th Grade gym class. The crack is also reminiscent of that day.

You might be thinking, “Why Christchurch? If God was responsible wouldn’t he spare places that honor him?” Of course not, naïve hypothetical objector. God is just like us: He hurts the ones he loves. When he has a bad day at work he takes it out on his wife. Yes, I just paralleled God and wife-beaters. I’m not saying God is wrong for slapping us around a bit. We totally have it coming. I’m just saying he should maybe save the massive earthquakes for Sodom and Gomorrah (New York and Hollywood). Actually, fuck it. Destroy Christchurch, New Zealand. Sounds like a self-righteous fucking town anyway.

My name is Ben and don’t even get me started on how “HURRICANE EARL” is just an anagram for the phrase “HEAR CRUEL RAIN.”