Between the karate grunts and the fifteen minutes Jackie Chan spent yelling "Jacket off!" at Jaden Smith, anyone who overhears me watching this movie most likely assumes it's Asian porn.
I’m watching the new “Karate Kid” movie right now. It’s not nearly as bad as you guys made it out to be. I’m not saying it’s good. It’s really not. But it’s got me thinking about whether the first one actually was either. I’m sorry, sentimentarians, but on logic alone this one has the original defeated with more than a wimpy crane kick.
Imagine for a few moments that the versions were reversed. Read these synopses, then tell me how you’d feel about your precious classic if it had been the remake.
(NEW) ORIGINAL: A black kid and his mother move to Beijing where he struggles to adapt and develops an antagonistic relationship with a group of Chinese kung fu students. Attempting to protect himself from the bullies, the black kid begins studying a unique style of martial arts with his building’s handyman, an unsuspected kung fu master played by a popular Chinese martial artist. After extensive training and a substantial period of time, the black kid faces off against his nemeses in a martial arts tournament.
(NEW) REMAKE: A white kid and his mother move to suburban Los Angeles where he struggles to adapt and develops an antagonistic relationship with a group of local kung fu surfers. Attempting to protect himself from the bullies, the white kid begins studying a unique style of martial arts with his building’s handyman, an unsuspected kung fu master played by a bit character on a popular American sitcom. After minimal training and an insubstantial period of time, the white kid faces off against his nemeses in a martial arts tournament.
The Miyagi one, when you think about it, doesn’t make a lot of sense. Again, I’m not saying the remake is good. And I’m certainly not saying it’s better. But it begs a couple questions about the original. Like, when did we start defending Ralph Macchio and Arnold from “Happy Days” as good actors, let alone kung fu masters. That shit was ridiculous.
I loved the classic, just like you loved the classic: Because we didn’t know what “quality” meant yet. The remake being stupid doesn’t make the original smart. It just means it wasn’t smart to remake the stupid original. But that said, the remake won’t pimp out your soul or cause brain suicide if you choose to watch it. The cocky asshole getting kicked in the face still elicits a cheer, even when Jaden Smith is kicking him.
And if you think that was a Spoiler you already have too lofty of expectations for this flick.
I'm sorry, you're right. These two make a much more believable kung fu duo.
My name is Ben and I’m the Jackie Chat of Tongue Fu.
