Everybody gets one. Whether we choose an actor, a professional athlete, or the sexiest political commentator on TV (Wolf Blitzer, obviously), each and every one of us normal people is allowed one “Get Out of Jail Free” card, valid for fornicating with the celebrity of our choosing. This rule, of course, is only applicable when pertaining to those in a monogamous relationship. If you’re single, bang all the celebs you can.
Most women want Wahlberg’s funky bunch.
My girlfriend and I were recently discussing this unwritten law and it prompted a lot of curiosities in me. My first thought was, can I only choose one celebrity, or can I only have sex with one celebrity? Perhaps I make a Top 10 list, giving me some options. In a perfect world I would get to celebri-fuck my number one, but what if the opportunity to capitalize arose with my number seven? I’d be in the clear, right? I think so. One is one, even if it was seven.
The implication is that if you were to encounter the celebrity of your dreams, he or she would undoubtedly be willing to sleep with you. At first this concept sounds ridiculous, but if you spend a little time reading gossips mags (which I do… all the time… with E! News on in the background… while painting my finger nails the same color as Perez Hilton’s…) you’ll see that it helps explain some things.
If you can picture Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband Jesse James as the actor Brad Pitt playing the notorious outlaw Jesse James, then he’d make a good number one...
...Because clearly he’ll sleep with anything.
So many celebrity couples split on account of infidelity. Take Tiger Woods for example. I’m sure after a round at Augusta he’d like nothing more than to share a drink with Phil Mickelson at the 19th Hole, but once he gets there a rash of women await for their turn with number one. I bet the clubhouse keeps a cot in the back room for him with a “take a number” system like at the deli counter. It must be exhausting. By the time he’s done it’s already late and there’s nothing left to do but get to the parking lot, screw the valet, get a bite to eat, nail the waitress and a couple late-night patrons, drive back to the hotel, bang most of the staff, and then go to bed with barely enough energy left to masturbate.
To that end, it must be impossible for almost all celebrities—single or otherwise—to venture out in public without fucking something. I’d wager even Kathy Griffin has trouble going to the grocery store without fulfilling her obligation to at least one sexually-confused gay man. The safest celebrities are probably those like Robert Pattinson, who despite having throngs of blood thirty stalkers, can legally refuse service to two-thirds of them because they’re under the age of eighteen. He’d better lock himself in a bunker in about five years, though, otherwise his Twilight years will be spent boning ‘til the Breaking Dawn.
To conclude, I’d like to draw back to reality a bit. Based on the way the system is structured, if you’re significant other came home at 4 A.M. and said, “I fucked Derek Jeter tonight,” you would be expected to reply, “Congratulations on fucking Derek Jeter. You’re one free pass has been used.” This is absolutely ridiculous. There is no way in hell I’d be able to react that calmly. I’d stand up, get in her face, and shout, “Fuck the Yankees.”
To which she’d probably say, “YanKEE . Just one. Number two.”
Damn you, Jeter.
My name is t.j. and I’ll never know if she was talking about his jersey number or his place on her list.
