Posts tagged Los Angeles

Make a Date to Do Great

May 16th

Posted by Ben Axelrad in Daily Blogs

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While you’re mapping out that hectic week of yours let me make a quick plug for an incredible show happening this Thursday night: “I’M DOING GREAT” – A one-woman show written and performed by Madeline Walter. I know, the show’s the same night as the season finale of The Office. Tivo it. I know, your kids got that end-of-the-year school recital thing. Tivo it. I know, you were scheduled to donate a kidney that night and I also know that can’t be Tivo’d. Hulu it. Because this is more important.

If you’re in Los Angeles it would behoove you to drop just about anything you’ve got planned for Thursday and go to the show I’m calling “laugh-out-loud from start to finish!” “Two thumbs WAY up,” says renowned tough-egg-to-crack, Me. And the Hermitic Critic himself, Ben Axelrad, said “I enjoyed it so much I saw it a second time, and I’ll probably return for a third.” The critics all agree, this one’s a winner!

All of the above is true. I did laugh out loud from start to finish and I do give it two thumbs up; one for each of the times I’ve seen it, plus a big toe for the third time I will probably go. The show starts off at a self-help seminar, then takes us on a journey through the upside-down lives of some of the seminar’s attendees. Madeline’s knack for locating the charming clumsiness in humanity allows the audience to simultaneously laugh at and with her characters, and the smart hilarious script offers countless opportunities to do just that. The show does lack one thing, though: A dull moment. You see what I did there? The show is funnier than that. Make a reservation today before they sell out. I’m looking forward to saying I told ya so!

My name is Ben and I recommend this.

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The Birthday Boys in “Heroic Man”

May 9th

Posted by Ben Axelrad in Daily Blogs

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LA: Get your tickets while you still can for HEROIC MAN, an all-new hour of sketch comedy from THE BIRTHDAY BOYS, directed by MR. SHOW’s BOB ODENKIRK, this Wednesday at 8 @ The Steve Allen Theatre.

A FEW DONT’S

Don’t be the dummy who says, “Eh, I’ll catch it on DVD.” No. It almost definitely won’t be on DVD. Go on Wednesday.

Don’t be the lazy fool who says, “Maybe they’ll perform the show at my house.” They won’t. They don’t even know you. And you live in a cramped studio above the Metro. Go on Wednesday.

Definitely don’t be the brain-dead idiot who says, “Mmmsh istqba faaafffffaaaaaaaaaaa.” Those aren’t words! You have a freaky neurological condition. Get that checked out right after you tape your mouth shut and go on Wednesday.

It’s okay to be one of the uninitiated few who says, “But I’ve never heard of The Birthday Boys.” However, if you those words are coming out of your ignorant speak-hole, you simply MUST go on Wednesday. And you should also click this link.

Come on guys. We’ve been doing this for, like, two years now. It’s the Birthday Boys. Best sketch comedy there is. If this show doesn’t sell out, everything we’ve been doing since pretty much the beginning of time was for nothing. Please, don’t shit on God’s divine plan. Only a real fuck-hole would do that. Seeya Wednesday!

My name is Ben and “If you want to see God laugh, make a plan.” But if you want to see God laugh so hard he chokes, make a plan to take him to this show on Wednesday!

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Summer to Spring: “I’ll Take It From Here”

Apr 4th

Posted by Julia Prescott in Daily Blogs

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Seasonal fans began to convert to Team Spring when they remembered Spring Break occurred in April, but then quickly retreated when they realized public drunkenness was a year-round kind of deal.

It started innocently enough: Weather measuring a hair over the 70-degree mark in late March; a couple Tuesday afternoons where fro-yo consumption wasn’t massively inappropriate in early Spring; but it’s become abundantly clear that Summer has officially edged out Spring within the first week of its scheduled tenure.

“It’s like it was winter yesterday!” said a representative from the Midwest, “What’s the big deal?” said a rep from Southern California. “I haven’t seen neighborhoods this torn since The Great I Like it When It Rains/I Hate It When It Rains Battle of ’09,” said an anonymous Los Angeles history buff.

Spring, having waited patiently over the last 8 months while Fall and Winter showboated their holidays, traditions, and general environmental ambiance, is for lack of a better word – “pissed.”

When asked for comment Spring indignantly expressed, “Everyone’s got such a hard-on for Summer, I don’t get it. I’ve got picnics and barbecues too. I’ll tell you something Summer doesn’t have – Three words: Easter eggs motherfucker.”

But how long will the general public’s penchant for floral and pastel-hued candies be sustained in the wake of 80-degree heat that allows the Pool party season to get a jumpstart?

“Funny. I don’t ever recall snagging a hot chick by commenting on the size of my wiener in line for a Hot Dog between the months of March and June,” said a local Orange County man.

“You know what I do recall snagging? Grass stains from picnicking and shitty egg shaped candies, if you can even call them that.”

“I actually quite enjoy Spring, and I’m sorry to miss it.” a local San Fernando Valley resident was reported to say, though this comment was immediately discredited when it was discovered this resident also enjoys Neco Wafers.

Summer could not be reached for comment. It was last publicly seen infiltrating movie theaters with shitty over-hyped blockbuster movies converting countless beverages to a slushy consistency.

Summer is all, "It's really hard to hate the player and not the game when the game involves butt cleavage."

My name is Julia Prescott, and I’m Team “I Love It When It Rains” 4 Lyfe.

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Look Who’s Blogging

Apr 4th

Posted by Ben Axelrad in Daily Blogs

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I’m back, babies! From wherever the Hell I was. Who can recall? I remember getting a ride to LAX, hopping on a plane to Detroit, arriving at Detroit Metro, getting picked up, spending ten days in the Detroit area, getting a ride back to Detroit Metro, hopping on a plane to Los Angeles, arriving at LAX, getting picked up, coming home and writing this blog. But the rest is a blur. Anyway, it’s good to have me back. From wherever the Hell I was. Who can recall?

My name is Ben. Welcome to another week at Poop or Chocolate.

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Come Home Soon

Mar 31st

Posted by t.j. peters in Daily Blogs

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Our patriarch, Ben Axelrad, is on vacation in his hometown of Detroit.  We miss him very much here at Poop or Chocolate.  Personally, I miss him so much that I had to write him a letter.  As you’ll see below it took me several drafts, but in the end I think I was able to… well, reality set in.

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Dear Ben,

How’s Detroit?  I hear it’s nice this time of year.

Oh dear God…

—————

Dear Ben,

Come back soon.  L.A. will take care of you.

Ew…

—————

Dear Ben,

There is no such place as home.  You might as well move to the moon.

That was unexpected…

—————

Dear Ben,

The moon has exploded.  Let’s just hold out for Heaven.

Laaaaaaame…

—————

Dear Ben,

Stopped by Heaven.  The bouncer won’t let us in without any chicks.  I say we go to Bolivia.

For a moment there I thought we were in trouble…

—————

Dear Ben,

It’s not going to end well.  On the plus side, you are very handsome, like that guy from the salad dressing bottle.

Strength and Honor,

t.j.

My name is t.j. and this is a personal blotter (letter-blog).

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PISSED THAT I MISSED…

Feb 14th

Posted by Julia Prescott in Daily Blogs

1 comment

…VALENTINE’S DAY

Not sure why the world's passive aggression is passed off as cute once a year, but I'll take it.

It’s vogue to hate Valentine’s Day, especially in a town like Los Angeles. This region thrives on its singledom; its ability to be oh-so-available, yet oh-so-exclusive. Throw in a dash of cynicism and a mint garnish and you’ve got the makings of the latest martini du jour at LA’s hottest night clubs.

I hated Valentine’s Day for years out of spite, but more for lack of options. I hadn’t had a true Valentine since I was 15, and even then I oscillated between being desperately romantic or desperately awkward in general, which worked for me at an age where my most striking feature were metal braces and hairy eyebrows.

We can blame Hallmark. We can blame our friends with significant others. Hell, we can even blame Julia Roberts’ and Anne Hathaway’s careers (the most apropos option, by far). But I think the people that deserve the most blame are ourselves.

Hating Valentine’s Day is admitting to the world that you’ve accepted the terms of Valentine’s Day as set forth to us by the powers that be.

If flowers, chocolates, big obnoxious bears, homemade cards, or sex doesn’t arrive on your doorstep then you’ve already flipped the world the bird. None of these items (except for maybe sex) is what we usually deem the makings of a great day, so why should American calendars get to designate this particular Monday as more special than a normal Friday, where we actually get out of work early? Or a Tuesday in which we randomly find a $20 in the back pocket of our Levi’s?

I’ve had more joy in getting stoned and going to a museum than I ever have receiving Neco wafer hearts that (let’s be real here) taste fucking terrible and don’t even have the option of adding the suffix “in bed” to make it instantly hilarious. (“Be mine … in bed” is just too on the nose.)

I’ve brainstormed some options for both those shacked-up and those un-shackled, and I think they not only give this silly lovey holiday the cold shoulder, but also fight PDA with PDB: Public displays of badassery.

-Do donuts in any Walgreens parking lot. If you wanna do this with your significant other, you can hold hands while you circle and pretend like you’re in the deleted scene of a Tarantino movie.

-Buy something made of leather. Nothing sexual.

-Speak only in ‘That’s What She Said’ euphemisms. This will drive everyone around you so insane that they’ll pray they never have another obvious sexual encounter for at least another month.

-Walk into a restaurant and request a “Table for One” and then start sobbing. Making judgmental strangers awkward is its own spectator sport.

-Watch Pretty Woman coupled with Metallica’s Master of Puppets. There’s no eerie sync-ups like Dark Side of the Moon with the Wizard of Oz but at least it’ll put an appropriate soundtrack to Jason Alexander’s attempts at seduction.

Chapter 1: Birth; Chapter 2: Garry Marshall obviously asks his gay assistant to shop for a 'hooker dress'.; Chapter 3: Stardom

My name is Julia Prescott, and I truly feel for my Valentine this year, especially after the planned marathon of “That’s What She Said” euphemisms. I mean, a promise is a promise.

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Arty Like It’s 1988

Jan 10th

Posted by Ben Axelrad in Daily Blogs

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I forgot to mention this last week, Angelino comedy/art nerds. Check this exhibit out now through the 29th at Gallery 1988.

I’ve yet to attend, but the reviews have been pretty spectac. Get there before art goes back to being sad and bastardy.

My name is Ben and I take aim at funny people, too.

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Scent of a Womanizer

Nov 24th

Posted by Ben Axelrad in Daily Blogs

2 comments

Some of you may not know that I consider myself a connoisseur of body wash. Let me explain. Pleasant fragrance can often be the only indication to the general public that I’m not homeless. The fact that no one ever mutters, “That hobo smells of cool ocean breeze,” may be the only thing keeping me out of jail for vagrancy on certain unkempt days. The point is, I rarely make an impulse decision when it comes to my scent. Recently, though, I made an exception. While perusing the shelves at Rite Aid for a new bottle o’ b-wash, one stood out among the rest:

DIAL FOR MEN: MAGNETIC CLEAN RINSING: ATTRACTION ENHANCING BODY WASH: PHEROMONE INFUSED. What are we talking here? A skin-cleansing aphrodisiac? Sexy soap? It wasn’t just the product that fascinated me. It was that the bottle, for all the exhilaration it was said to contain, reeks of pure desperation. It knows it’s selling an inferior product so it tries way too hard. Like PC commercials or Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Anyway, I bought it. I like to think I did so out of pity for every ghost that doesn’t realize its dead.

Before you start getting ideas, let me clarify something: I know all body wash is the same. I also know that all body wash is the same as all face wash. And hand wash. And dish detergent. And rust remover. Soap is soap. I’d like to tell you I’m no fool, but I am a fool, and even I know soap is soap. But apparently there’s something about me girls don’t like, and I need to wash that stink off of me. So why not purchase the one that claims it will make girls like me? It’s the same price, even if there’s a really good reason for that.

I bought the stuff, I should at least educate myself on it. Let’s explore the ingredients. There’s water, science junk, science junk, table salt, more science junk . . . Here we go: Androstadienone – technically science junk, but in this case the correct science junk. It’s essentially an extract of testosterone, and testosterone makes women sex-crazed. So that’s a fun ingredient. But does it belong in body wash? Think of all the things men are doing when they exude testosterone: Manual labor, competitive sports, fist-fighting, blogging – you take a shower after doing all those things. Is this body wash that makes you need more body wash?

I’m probably over-thinking it. I guess I should just use the stuff, after reading the directions of course. Here goes less than nothing!

HOW TO USE: 1. Squeeze out. 2. Lather up. 3. Rinse off. 4. Stand back and watch the magic happen.

Wow. So I don’t even need to: Turn off water. Exit shower. Towel off. Brush teeth and deodorize. Put on clothes. Leave the house. Be in the general vicinity of heterosexual women. They’ll come to me. In the shower. As soon as the magic happens. Any second now. I’m standing back. Should I stand further back? The bottle doesn’t say. Still waiting. And MAGIC! No. MAGIC! Nope. This isn’t working. I think I bought a product for date rapists. I wonder if they took my picture when I bought it and uploaded it into a police database. My photo will be plastered throughout bars across greater Los Angeles with the words, “DO NOT ACCEPT A DRINK FROM THIS HOMELESS MAN.”In this single impulsive move my undesirability has skyrocketed.

Maybe I’ll start over. Squeeze out. Lather up . . .

Some of you may be wondering why I didn’t go with Axe Body Wash, the product advertised as increasing carnal desires in women. The answer is simple, really: AXE LIES! AND EVERY WOMAN IN THE WORLD IS IN ON IT!!!

I may be a fool, but I’m no sucker. Also, they were out of Axe Body Wash.

My name is Ben and I won’t leave this shower until the magic happens.

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Awesome is Money

Nov 5th

Posted by Ben Axelrad in Daily Blogs

1 comment

The Awesome Foundation: When I first heard the name, I assumed it was an organization that helps handicapped people have extreme adventures. It’s actually even more awesome than that. Well, maybe the same amount of awesome, but far less dangerous. The Awesome Foundation gives cash-money grants to people doing awesome things. Is it that simple? Just about. My friend Krissy is a member of the Los Angeles chapter and she shared this information with me:

Awesome Foundation LA is a group of Angelinos seeking to encourage people to do cool things in our city of Los Angeles.


Here’s how it works — each month, we will each put $100 in a brown paper bag and give the collective $1000 to someone in LA doing something awesome. No strings attached.

It can be important, creative, socially relevant, or crazy. Just as long as it’s A) awesome; B) LA-based; and C) could really use a thousand bucks to help make it happen.

The Awesome Foundation started in Boston and now has chapters in NYC, London, San Francisco, Berlin, etc… , and so far some really amazing things have happened with the help of Awesome grants. The application is online and stupid simple – you can find it and more info at www.awesomefoundation.org, and the deadline for the first Awesome LA grant is November 15.

Please tell everyone you know about Awesome Foundation LA. Also we are on facebook: http://on.fb.me/aIkhM0.

And if you’ve got an awesome idea, lets hear it! we’ve got a thousand bucks burning a hole in our pocket.

That’s pretty awesome, right? I could’ve been a real jerk and kept this information to myself; submitting countless requests under assumed names; collecting all the thousands. But I’m not a jerk. This officially proves it. No matter what Jodie* says. I. Am not. A jerk. You’re all character witnesses. She’s the jerk. I’ll stop now.

My name is Ben and I think you should do something awesome . . . like egg Jodie’s new boyfriend’s Honda. Whoopie, he has a Honnnnnda. And a jobbbbbb. And his name is Louuuuis**. He thinks he’s sooooooo awesome. Well where’s your THOUSAND DOLLARS, LOUIS!?!?! Everyone, submit your requests for the thousand awesome bucks, if for no other reason, so that Louis gets NOTHING. Okay, I’m done.

* Jodie is a fictional character created solely for purposes of entertainment. Any resemblance to individuals living or dead is purely coincidental.
** Louis is 100% real, and he sucks. Screw him AND the horse (Honda***) he rode in on. I hate you, Louis!
*** Louis' Honda is a fictional automobile created solely for purposes of KILLING LOUIS!!! Any resemblance to Hondas new or used is purely coincidental.
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Karate Isn’t for Kids

Aug 26th

Posted by Ben Axelrad in Daily Blogs

1 comment

Between the karate grunts and the fifteen minutes Jackie Chan spent yelling "Jacket off!" at Jaden Smith, anyone who overhears me watching this movie most likely assumes it's Asian porn.

I’m watching the new “Karate Kid” movie right now. It’s not nearly as bad as you guys made it out to be. I’m not saying it’s good. It’s really not. But it’s got me thinking about whether the first one actually was either. I’m sorry, sentimentarians, but on logic alone this one has the original defeated with more than a wimpy crane kick.

Imagine for a few moments that the versions were reversed. Read these synopses, then tell me how you’d feel about your precious classic if it had been the remake.

(NEW) ORIGINAL: A black kid and his mother move to Beijing where he struggles to adapt and develops an antagonistic relationship with a group of Chinese kung fu students. Attempting to protect himself from the bullies, the black kid begins studying a unique style of martial arts with his building’s handyman, an unsuspected kung fu master played by a popular Chinese martial artist. After extensive training and a substantial period of time, the black kid faces off against his nemeses in a martial arts tournament.

(NEW) REMAKE: A white kid and his mother move to suburban Los Angeles where he struggles to adapt and develops an antagonistic relationship with a group of local kung fu surfers. Attempting to protect himself from the bullies, the white kid begins studying a unique style of martial arts with his building’s handyman, an unsuspected kung fu master played by a bit character on a popular American sitcom. After minimal training and an insubstantial period of time, the white kid faces off against his nemeses in a martial arts tournament.

The Miyagi one, when you think about it, doesn’t make a lot of sense. Again, I’m not saying the remake is good. And I’m certainly not saying it’s better. But it begs a couple questions about the original. Like, when did we start defending Ralph Macchio and Arnold from “Happy Days” as good actors, let alone kung fu masters. That shit was ridiculous.

I loved the classic, just like you loved the classic: Because we didn’t know what “quality” meant yet. The remake being stupid doesn’t make the original smart. It just means it wasn’t smart to remake the stupid original. But that said, the remake won’t pimp out your soul or cause brain suicide if you choose to watch it. The cocky asshole getting kicked in the face still elicits a cheer, even when Jaden Smith is kicking him.

And if you think that was a Spoiler you already have too lofty of expectations for this flick.

I'm sorry, you're right. These two make a much more believable kung fu duo.

My name is Ben and I’m the Jackie Chat of Tongue Fu.

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