Posts tagged comedy

Arnold Schwarzenegger went and got himself a baby’s momma.  Don’t act so shocked.  It’s not like this is the first time an Austrian-born, former Mister Universe who rose to fame as an American action star and parlayed his success into becoming the Governor of California has cheated on his wife and had an illegitimate child.  Happens all the time.  Not to say that makes it acceptable (Poop or Chocolate has a firm anti-adultery from bodybuilders/movie stars/politicians policy) but it’s also not the End of Days or anything.

In "End of Days", Schwarzenegger plays an ex-cop who leads a revolt against Satan himself, who has taken over NYC. The only situation that could possibly be worse than that would be having to make the movie "End of Days".

Think about the positives.  For example, there is a kid out there on the playground somewhere who’s getting pushed around by a bully.  The bully says, “My dad could beat up your dad!”  Then the kid begins to cry and the bully shouts, “Oh, that’ right.  You don’t even have a dad!”  Well, in a few days that kid is going to find out that his father is Arnold Schwarzenegger.  From that point forward he will be able to look the bully straight in eyes and say, “My dad can beat up your dad!  He can also buy and sell his ass, or use his political power to deport him back to Cuba!  Also, my dad killed the Predator!  You got nothing!  How about your give me your lunch money for a change.”  So yeah, that kid’s going to be fine.

Here’s another little plus side to Arnold’s True Lies:  If this whole scenario isn’t perfect fodder for a Schwarzenegger-driven action-comedy, then the phrase “art imitates life” is worthless.  Just think about this pitch:  Grady Drake (that sounds enough like an Arnold character, right?) is the President of the United States (we’ll up the ante a bit).  After a scandal breaks revealing the identity of President Drake’s illegitimate child Jorge (he’s gotta be non-white) his marriage and political career begin to unravel.  But when young Jorge is kidnapped by a terrorist group (let’s keep it topical– Al Qaeda) President Drake enlists the help of Nadia, his half-cyborg wife (this will be revealed as a second act twist, followed by a fucking ton of Terminator references) to save his son and, perhaps, mend the riff in his marriage… So that’s that.  Tell me that movie wouldn’t make $200 million.

One one final note, I’d just like to bring up that I know we’re all supposed to feel bad for Maria Shriver, but let’s face it– it’s kind of hard to feel bad for a Kennedy on the losing end of infidelity.  Just saying.

My name is t.j. and this blog could have easily contained ten more Arnold movie title puns.