An Open Letter to Mr. Song Li
I recently received a very intriguing email from an Asian banker—eh, we’ll say he’s Japanese—who came to me with what sounds like a pretty fool proof investment opportunity. I felt inclined to reply.
My name is Mr. Song Li. I work with the Hang Seng Bank. There is a sum of $19,500,000.00 in my bank Hang Seng Bank”, Hong Kong.There were no beneficiaries stated concerning these funds which means no one would ever come to claim it. That is why I ask that we work together
I look forward to this.
Mr. Song Li,
I like your name. It sounds like a musical adjective—songly. Use it in a sentence, Mr. Li? I suppose I could. How about, “After reading your email offer, I songly sang your praises to many of my colleagues.” Don’t think I can wrongly use a fake adjective derived from a noun immediately before using the said noun itself? Well then you must be daftly daft, Mr. Song Li. But I digress.
Seeing as there are no beneficiaries stated concerning the $19.5 million in your bank (the Hang Seng Bank) I would like to propose that you award the entire sum to me. Thank you.
Alright… as much as I would like to end my reply after that last sentence, I feel I should briefly explain myself. First off, just let me say that I’m very impressed that you have your own bank. I’m surprised that you didn’t name the establishment after yourself, but I am very ignorant when it comes to naming banks, so I won’t judge. Even more impressive, I must say, is the fact that your bank has managed to accrue $19.5 million without a single account being opened, nor a deposit being made. Well, maybe those things did happen, but then everyone dieeeeeeee… okay-I-think-I-get-what’s-going-on-here.
You may or may not be aware, but recently there was a horrendous natural disaster in Japan. Many deaths have been reported and many more are likely still to come. It was on the news and stuff. Earlier in this message, I took a stab at guessing your country of origin based on your last name, Li. After an intensive seven seconds of blogsearch (it’s like research, but with far less effort) I was able to uncover that the last name Li is of Chinese decent. Knowing this, I’m left with one of two assumptions:
1. I am reading into this too much. Your reference to there being “no beneficiaries” is simply your average, poorly executed email scam. If this is the case, I wish I were still making jokes and not getting slightly serious.
2. The intention of this scam was to exploit the globally known disaster in Japan as a means to trick some very, very dumb people into giving you their money. If this is the case, I hope that you are individually earthquake-tsunami’ed. You’re a crook to begin with, and a viciously deplorable human being to boot.
Those two possibilities set aside, let me close by saying this: If you have $19.5 million dollars to give me, please reply in the affirmative and I will give you my Paypal information. In the wake of this disaster, I wanna get rich.
My name is t.j. and this blog is a wealth of my conjecture.
