Every Jew has a little Munich is us.
We know what you say when we’re not around. You see us holding down all those “thinkin’ man’s jobs” and say, “Those Jews are so jewy, over there jewing it up like a bunch o’ Jews.” What you don’t know, BIGOT, is that we Jews are storing up our energy for the day we can accomplish our singular purpose in life: Finding a descendant of Adolf Hitler and kicking him in the fanny.
Like all Jews I wonder why I never see a Hitler in real life. Like only Jews under the age of 50, I have the patience and capacity for technology to find the answer on the internet. Jews, the answers are right at our fingertips, and they’ll rock your yarmulke. Let me take you through the search, question by question.
Why don’t I ever find Hitlers in the phone book?
The answer to this question is twofold. First, you probably aren’t consulting the Nazi-preferred “White Only Pages.” The second reason you don’t see Hitler in the phone book is the same reason you don’t see “fashism” in the dictionary: Because it’s a misspelling. The correct spelling and pronunciation of the name should’ve been Heidler. So when Adolf fucked up the name Hitler for everyone else he was actually correcting a mistake. See, guys? He wasn’t all bad. Just kidding, he’s even worse than we thought. Now he’s taking down Heidlers, too.
Where can I find one of these Heidlers?
Literally almost anywhere, though mostly Germany. They live amongst us, caring for our children and serving us our meals. Many Heidlers have changed their name to avoid connection to the one who screwed up that other name, but many exist out in the open during the light of day.
Why aren’t we out there kicking Heidler fanny right now?
Because Heidlers are sheep in wolf’s clothing. Adolf’s father changed the family name to Heidler from his birth-name, Schicklgruber – which broken down to the parts “Schick” and “Gruben,” loosely translates to “send to the pits.” The crabapple didn’t fall far from the family tree. The difference between Hitler and his ancestral namesakes is that Hitler didn’t wait until they were dead to send them to the pits.
So the search is on for Schicklgruber?
Well . . . no. Schicklgruber is a surname derived from occupation, like Smith or Banker in our culture. We can’t kick the fanny of every Schicklgruber because of Hitler any more than we should attack every descendant of hill people because of Paris Hilton. Actually, the latter example might be okay. But in terms of locating the right Hitler-related Schicklgruber fanny to kick, that will take a lot of very specific research. Poop or Chocolate doesn’t really do that.
Then how are we gonna get back at Hitler?
Numbers-wise, we never will. He took out six million of our people and there just aren’t enough of his, all surnames combined, to match that. So I say we stick to our plan of dominating the global economy while slowly convincing the Christian-based world that God was replaced by commerce and greed. We may never be able to exact revenge on our greatest adversary, but we can damn sure make sure that all the things he feared about us come true. We re-populated, the Hitlers didn’t. So we win.
Who's laughing now, Hitler?
My name is Ben and this blog won’t stop until there’s a Jewish nose on the one million dollar bill.
