Talk Show Time 4
Every week I do not rent a television studio, do not set up any lights or cameras, and do not interview a prominent celebrity. This is the transcript of everything that did not happen. Please pretend it did. Names have been changed to protect the celebrities I’ve never met.
TODAY’S GUEST: SCOOPY SCOOP
BEN
Thanks for tuning in, everyone, we should have an interesting show for you tonight. Scoopy Scoop, talking canine detective, is our guest tonight and I intend to get answers to some long overlooked questions. Scoopy, thanks for agreeing to this interview.
SCOOPY
Ror relcome.
BEN
I hope you’re not expecting this to be a puff piece.
SCOOPY
Ri’ve grot rothing to hride.
BEN
Very well then. You’re a talking dog, quite impressive to say the least. When did you realize you could talk?
SCOOPY
Ri dron’t knrow.
BEN
Is it that you don’t know or is it that you won’t say?
Scoopy shrugs.
BEN
Could it be that you are protecting the very organization that taught you to speak?
Scoopy shrugs.
BEN
There’s something you’re not telling us, Scoop, and I intend to get to the bottom of it! What is that accent? Eastern Bloc? Romanian? What was your relation to Ceauşescu?
SCOOPY
Ri rike scrooby sracks.
BEN
Elusive, Scoopy Scoop. I like your moves but this dance contest isn’t over.
SCOOBY
Runce ri prut on a dress and dranced rif Shruggy.
BEN
Frankly I’m only picking up like every fourth word you say. Let’s move on to your career in paranormal investigations. As a talking dog, what unique skills do you bring to the team?
SCOOPY
Ri snriff fror ghrosts.
BEN
That’s it?
SCOOPY
Den mre and Shruggy tricks the ghrosts. Den re trake off the mrasks. Den Scrooby grets a Scroopy Srack.
BEN
So pretty much you’re just a dog then. Your ability to speak really doesn’t come in handy.
Scoopy shrugs.
BEN
I’m only telling you this because I would want it told to me: You have a very irritating speaking voice. And you seem not the slightest bit intelligent. While you speak and think eloquently for a dog, on the chart of human intelligence you are easily mentally retarded.
BEN
Probably below retarded. What’s below retarded? Does anyone know? Comatose?
SCOOPY
Chromotrose?
BEN
I’m not sure if you said chromosone or comb a toast. Neither one makes sense.
SCOOPY
Ri sred chromotrose.
BEN
That didn’t help. I’m seriously starting to wish you couldn’t talk.
Scoopy, startled by nothing in particular, leaps in the air.
BEN
(surprised)
What is it Scoopy?
SCOOPY
Ri throught ri sraw a ghrost!
BEN
Where?
SCOOPY
Rover dere!
BEN
That’s a coat rack. (pause) You’re stoned aren’t you?
SCOOPY
Mraybe a rittle.
BEN
Seriously, you’re a stoned, cowardly, half-witted canine. You solving a mystery seems as unlikely as a fart curing cancer.
SCOOPY
Ri’ll crure crancer fror a Scrooby Srack.
BEN
Will you admit you can’t pronounce “Scoopy Snack” for a Scoopy Snack?
SCOOPY
Ri cran’t! Ri cran’t!
BEN
I’m starting to feel a little foolish for linking you to a militant neo-Stalinist like Ceauşescu.
SCOOPY
Trotalittrarian srocialrism rill rise agrain!
BEN
I knew it!
SCOOPY
Rut ro.
BEN
Well, ladies and germs, I may not be a stoned, cowardly, half-witted canine, but I think I solved this mystery. There are a million more mysteries still out there and I intend to solve every last one of them. Well, most of them. Some. I’m only human, I’ll do a couple. Some things are better left to mystery. I shouldn’t tinker. Scoopy Scoop, do you have any more of that ganja?
SCOOPY
Yrep.
BEN
Splendid! Goodnight everyone!
