Talk Show Time 3

Every week I do not rent a television studio, do not set up any lights or cameras, and do not interview a prominent celebrity. This is the transcript of everything that did not happen. Please pretend it did. Names have been changed to protect the celebrities I’ve never met.

TODAY’S GUEST: KID JIZZY

BEN
We’re here today with Kid Jizzy, famous for all that rapping he does.
JIZZY
Seriously? Is that how you’re gonna introduce me?
BEN
Did I say something wrong? Don’t you do a lot of rapping?
JIZZY
Yeah. I do a lot of rapping.
BEN
So we’re good then. Young Jizzy everyone.
JIZZY
I’m already regretting this fuckin’ interview. This shit is ridiculous.
BEN
I’ll have you know I run a very tight ship here. This interview will be hard-hitting and substantive.
JIZZY
Good then, man. Let’s get to it.
BEN
Alright then. Obama, huh? A black guy. Niiiice.
JIZZY
Man! Are you fucking serious?
BEN
Poor John McCain: Guilty only of being white at the wrong time.
JIZZY
Obama breaks barriers for black people, but he is a leader for everyone. He’s the best man, not the best black man.
BEN
Well, right. But he is black. It’s just not easy to be a white guy. That’s all I’m saying.
JIZZY
What you’re saying is fucking stupid.
BEN
Sure, whitey’s stupid. If that’s what rapping music is all about then I don’t think I want anything to do with it.
JIZZY
What are you talking about? You don’t know anything about hip hop.
BEN
I beg your pardon, young man? I don’t know hip hop? I know hip hop better than you know anything. I know hip hop better than you know your father.
JIZZY
I never met my father.
BEN
(chuckling)I actually knew that. My producers told me not to “go there.” It was a low blow. I don’t even know what hip hop is. What’s hip hop?
JIZZY
Rap music?
BEN
Oh, right, rap music. What you do so much of! Do you know when I learned about rap music?
JIZZY
When?
BEN
Well, my producer said “Kid Jizzy’s coming on the show today.” I said “What in the Sam Hell is a Kid Jizzy?” He said you were a rapper, I said what’s a rapper and, well, I think you get it from there.
JIZZY
That shit is mu’fuckin’ shocking.
BEN
At first I thought you were a rapist. I still kind of do.
JIZZY
Well I hope you give rap music a chance. It’s the poetry of the streets.
BEN
Well you’re my favorite rappist.
JIZZY
Dude I know you ain’t heard my music.
BEN
Yes, but I enjoy your words. You talk filthy and I love it.
JIZZY
Alright den. I’ma bust cuz you startin’ to freak me the fuck out.
BEN
There you go again. Classic! That’s our show tonight, folks! Is racism dead? I think so. And if it’s not, let’s just leave it to the wetbacks and jewboys. I, for one, learned a lot today. Well, not a lot, but some. I learned that while both rappers and rapists are both usual incarcerated, rap and rape are not the same thing. And that, my friends, may be the most important lesson of all. Remember, everyone, love is color blind. But it has a very keen sense of smell.
JIZZY
What does that even mean?! Is that shit racist?
BEN
No! It means…I…I’m just…
JIZZY
Stop talking.
BEN
Fair enough. Goodnight everyone!