Talk Show Time 2

Every week I do not rent a television studio, do not set up any lights or cameras, and do not interview a prominent celebrity. This is the transcript of everything that did not happen. Please pretend it did. Names have been changed to protect the celebrities I’ve never met.

TODAY’S GUEST: RUPERT DUNNY III

BEN
I’m here today with famed American actor Rupert Dunny III, a gifted thespian with an all-too sordid past. But we are not here to talk about that past, not with such a flourishing present and a promising future. Mr. Dunny, thank you so much for joining me.
RUPERT
It’s my pleasure.
BEN
Your career is on quite the upswing lately, which leads me to my first question: Have you done, like, all the drugs?
RUPERT
All the drugs?
BEN
You know, all the drugs. Are there any you haven’t done?
RUPERT
I’m sure there are. I had quite a run there for awhile but there have to be a few drugs I haven’t tried.
BEN
Have you done meth?
RUPERT
I mean…sure. Yeah, I’ve done meth.
BEN
How about crank?
RUPERT
Crank is meth.
BEN
Well pardon me, your honor. Have you taken roofies?
RUPERT
Yep.
BEN
Licked a toad’s tummy?
RUPERT
Once.
BEN
Injected anthrax?
RUPERT
It’s been known to happen.
BEN
Into your eyeball?
RUPERT
Into both eyes. Are we going to talk about my movies?
BEN
Yes, of course. True or false: You starred in the summer blockbuster Metal Man?
RUPERT
Uh…true?
BEN
Good. My follow-up question: What’s heroin like?
RUPERT
Well…it’s…amazing. It’s absolutely amazing. Like walking on air getting massaged by a rainbow.
BEN
Wow. I knew it.
RUPERT
But it’s still very bad.
BEN
Which part? The walking on air?
RUPERT
Well, no.
BEN
It can’t be the part about getting massaged by a rainbow.
RUPERT
No. Not that either. It’s bad. It just is.
BEN
We’ll just agree to disagree on this one. Have you ever drank a crackhead’s urine?
(pause)
Well?
RUPERT
Oh, sorry. I assumed there was a second part to the question.
BEN
That was too vague?
RUPERT
Kind of. Have you ever drank a crackhead’s urine? That’s like asking me if I’ve ever had a sandwich.
BEN
Have you ever had a sandwich made with crackhead’s urine?
RUPERT
Yes.
BEN
Have you ever bathed in acid?
RUPERT
Does showered in acid count?
BEN
No.
RUPERT
Still yes.
BEN
Have you ever smoked a soul?
RUPERT
Yes.
BEN
Human or animal?
RUPERT
Yes.
BEN
If you smoked a superhero soul, would you inherit his powers?
RUPERT
I think I’m done answering drug questions. Do you have any more movie questions?
BEN
Right, your movies. Here’s one: If you smoked Metal Man’s soul, would you inherit his powers?
RUPERT
I don’t know. Maybe. How about some movie only questions. Do you have any more of those?
BEN
Maybe. Name some of the movies you’ve been in.
RUPERT
You aren’t familiar with my movies?
BEN
Well, I Wikipedia’ed you, but you must admit, the drug stuff is slightly more fascinating. I’m afraid I never actually got around to your film career.
RUPERT
Great.
BEN
Can I ask another drug question?
RUPERT
Fine. One more.
BEN
If cocaine and heroin got into a fight, who would win?
RUPERT
Probably Cocaine.
BEN
I told you, Randy! Randy, my producer, said heroin would lull cocaine into a false sense of security.
RUPERT
Well, that’s a good point.
BEN
Don’t say that. There’s money riding on this.
RUPERT
Somebody’s getting fired over this interview.
BEN
Well that’s all the time we have for tonight. Rupert Dunny III, everyone. Thank you for the drug fun facts. That was really very enjoyable. Heroin is amazing, folks, and you can quote Mr. Dunny on that.
RUPERT
No, please don’t say that.
BEN
I didn’t say it, you did. No take backs on this program.
RUPERT
Bu…
BEN
Goodnight everyone!