Talk Show Time 1

BEN

Hello everyone, I’m here today with an acclaimed young actor, Mitchell Sura from the film Luke and Laura’s Music That Keeps Going on For Eternity. Hello, Mitchell Sura. How are you?

MITCHELL

I’m good. Thanks for having me.

BEN

You’re very welcome. Well, pretty welcome. No, you’re very welcome. So far.

MITCHELL

Um…ok.

BEN

So Mitchell, you’ve accomplished a lot at a young age. How old are you? 12? 13?

MITCHELL

Actually I just turned 20. I’m 20.

BEN

Oh, you’re 20! You must be a college man. Where do you attend college?

MITCHELL

I don’t.

BEN

What’d you say? Indiana? You a Hoosier, Mitchell Sura?

MITCHELL

No, I said I don’t. I don’t go to college.

BEN

What? You don’t go to college? Then how do you expect to get a good paying job?

MITCHELL

Well, I have a good paying job. I’m in movies, that was my goal all along. So why should I go to college? No, I may someday go to college. But for now I’m acting too much and doing…I don’t know. I just don’t go.

BEN

That’s disappointing, Mitchell. Remember when I said you were very welcome to be here? Well you’re back down to pretty. A college education is for everyone. Shaquille O’Neal got his college degree. Are you saying you’re better than Shaquille O’Neal?

MITCHELL

No, of course not. Well, at acting maybe. I don’t know. At basketball, no, he’s definitely better than me. Am I better than Shaq? That’s kind of an absurd question.

BEN

That’s racist, Mitchell. Kazaam was better than anything you’ve done. You’re an ignorant racist. That’s exactly what college would unteach you. You know what? We’re going to bring someone in right now who I think might help you to realize the error in your thinking. Big Earl, could you come in here please?

MITCHELL

Who’s Big Earl? What’s going on? I thought we were going to talk about Luke and Laura.

BEN

Your pea-sized brain isn’t capable of thought, young man. I’d like you to meet Big Earl.

BIG EARL
(to Ben)

What up, Money. You got a problem need fixin’?

MITCHELL

There’s no problem, Big Earl.

BEN

Oh yes there is, Big Earl. Mitchell here thinks he’s too good to go to college. What do you think about that?

BIG EARL

Too good for college, huh? That’s a good one. I thought I was too good for college. Know where I am now?

MITCHELL

I don’…

BIG EARL

Prison! I’m in prison!

MITCHELL

Then what are you doing at a talk show studio?

BIG EARL

I’ll ask the questions, fish. (pause) I don’t got any questions. But I do got a story to tell. I’m gonna tell it to you, boy, right the fuck now. I was around your age, thought I was too cool for school too. I used to hang out all over town taking doodoos on stuff, just for the smell of it. Well one day while taking a big numero dos I accidentally shat in a babies mouth. And that baby suffocated on my poopoo and died. Y’hear me?! It died! That’s baby murder! Now I’m in prison for life, and it all could’ve been avoided if I only went to college. Whatchoo think about that, green boy?

MITCHELL

Was this planned? Why is there a prisoner here?

BEN

He’s an intern here. Thank you, Big Earl. I’ll give you a ride back to prison after the show. I hope you learned a valuable lesson, Mitchell.

MITCHELL

Whatever. Why do you care if I go to college?

BEN

Because you are a young man with a lot of potential, Mitchell. I’m sure most of the world has given up on you. You’re snotty and abrasive. Not very easy on the eyes. And your behavior is infantile. You’re fairly awful to be around, but I still believe in you. We’re just trying to drop some knowledge on you. Is that what you kids say? Dropping knowledge?

MITCHELL

I don’t know, man. Who booked this interview? If you bring out another “guest” I’m bolting.

BEN

Then how about two special guests. Pregnant lady? Hobo? Are you back there? Come on out.

PREGNANT LADY

I used to hang out at the bars all day getting drunk ’cause I had low self esteem. Then one night my friend Tully gave me a pill and said wash it down with 20 beers and so I did ’cause I’m stupid and next thing I know I’m pregnant with this little fucker (pointing at her belly). Everyone says it was date rape but that’s bullshit, ’cause Tully would never date me. He just thinks I’m good for schtoopin’. Maybe he’d date rape me if I’d only gone to college.

MITCHELL

Okay, I’m outta…

BEN

Wait! Hobo, go!

HOBO

I didn’t go to college and now I have no teeth.

MITCHELL

Fuck you.

HOBO

I pee in my pants for warmth.

MITCHELL

You should go to college. I’m going to college right now, you wanna come? Thank you everyone. Thank you for convincing me. Can I leave now?

BEN

Absolutely. Thank you, Mitchell Sura. This has been a revolutionary piece of television.

MITCHELL

Right. Whatever. Please never air this.