Obama Theatre Presents: War & Peace
In honor of President Obama flying to Norway to accept the Nobel Peace Prize and deploying troops to Afghanistan in the same week, I bring you another edition of Obama Theatre. Enjoy!
INT. OVAL OFFICE
President Obama’s administrative assistant pages him.
ADMIN
President Obama, Secretary of Defense
Robert Gates is here to see you.OBAMA
Thank you, Secretary of Secretaries.
Send him in.
Robert Gates enters.
GATES
You wanted to see me, President Obama?
OBAMA
Gates, good to see ya. Have a seat.
Let’s talk Afghanistan.
GATES
Are you ready to unveil your plan to
remove troops from the Middle East?
OBAMA
Yeah, about that. I’ve been looking over the
progress reports, crunching numbers,
and I gotta tell you, I think
we can win this thing.
GATES
But sir…
OBAMA
Just hear me out. I know I gave the Bush Administration
a lot of grief for engaging in unnecessary wars at
the expense of soldiers’ lives, tax-payers’ dollars,
and international diplomacy. But that was
before I really got a looksie. I’m telling you we
can win this thing. 30,000 more troops. 50 tops.
GATES
Many of your supporters are already growing impatient
with you. Do you really want to jeopardize
your standing within the party further?
Joe Biden enters before Obama’s Administrative Assistant can announce him.
ADMIN
President Obama, I tried to stop him but
Vice President Biden is on his way in.
BIDEN
Too late! I’m in, girl!
OBAMA
Hi, Joe.
BIDEN
What up, B-Bomb, Gatesy? Did I hear something about a party?
GATES
I was just explaining to the President
that his standing within the Democratic Party
is tenuous at best right now.
BIDEN
Who cares? The Democratic Party is the nerd’s birthday
of political parties. The power couple JoeBama
is shaking things up.
OBAMA
Joe, come look at these Afghan progress reports and
crunch these numbers for me. Tell me what you see.
Biden looks over the reports and figures Obama has been studying.
BIDEN
Son of a gun, DickBush was right! We can win this thing!
50,000 tops!
OBAMA
Right?! Right!
GATES
I’m not sure that’s the point. The American people
have spoken out against this war. Many would claim
your desire to end it was the principle reason
you were elected.
OBAMA
And I get that. Which is why you’re going to Afghanistan, Gatesy.
GATES
What? Why me?
OBAMA
I gotta fly to Norway and accept some prize.
Kick it with prime ministers and diplomats.
GATES
You’re going to accept the Nobel Peace Prize
simultaneous with the deployment of troops to war?
OBAMA
I hadn’t thought about that. Ironic!
Good thing my name’s already on the giant check.
GATES
Can’t the Vice President handle the Aghanistan situation?
OBAMA
JoeBiddy’s staying here to run the country.
BIDEN
Me and Senate are gonna kick out a health care bill
that looks shockingly similar to the status quo.
GATES
So then…I have to…Fiiiiine. Y’know, I thought we
were going to change the world when I signed on.
OBAMA
No you didn’t.
GATES
I know.
THE END
