Life with the Lions
PHIL THE LION brings home supper for his family – Wife, JANICE; Twin Sons, PJ and JP; and daughter, SHELLEY.
PHIL
Daddy’s home. And I brought dinner.
JANICE
Nice of you to join us, Phil. If you were going to be late
a roar would’ve been nice.
PHIL
I couldn’t risk scaring off dinner.
JANICE
I’m just saying it would’ve been nice.
PHIL
I’m sorry, Janice. Where are the kids?
JANICE
The twins are getting washed up for dinner and
Shelley is with her boyfriend.
PHIL
Boyfriend? I wasn’t told about any boyfriend.
JANICE
Because you lose your temper. When you prove you can listen
without flying off the handle we will start telling you things.
PHIL
I’m the goddamn father of this family. I should be told things.
PJ and JP, their twin sons, join them for dinner.
PJ
Awww man, gazelle again?
JP
We had gazelle last night!
PHIL
What’s wrong with gazelle? Gazelle is good meat.
JANICE
A little variety would be nice, dear.
PHIL
Excuuuuuuuse me. I come home late, you’re angry.
I bring home gazelle, you’re angry.
Tell me how I win here.
PJ
Tommy’s dad brought home hyena for dinner.
JP
Hyena is fancy!
PHIL
I guarantee you Tommy is over there complaining to
his dad that your dad brought home gazelle.
PJ
Nope. They already ate.
JP
Tommy’s dad was back three hours ago.
PHIL
Well then maybe you two should go live with Tommy’s dad.
PJ
Can we?
JP
We can be packed in a jiffy.
PHIL
Just eat your gazelle.
They eat. Shelley approaches with her boyfriend, a cheetah named CHET.
SHELLEY
Hi, everybody.
PHIL
Shelley, watch out! There’s a cheetah behind you!
SHELLEY
That’s my boyfriend Chet, daddy.
PHIL
What? No daughter of mine is dating a cheetah.
JANICE
This is what I mean, dear.
PHIL
This is different!
JP/PJ
Shelley’s boning a cheetah! Shelley’s boning a cheetah!
DAD
Don’t talk about your sister like that!
SHELLEY
Times are changing. Cheetahs and lions can love each other now.
DAD
Maybe the world has gone crazy. Not this family!
SHELLEY
You’re being unreasonable, daddy.
PHIL
I’m your father. That’s the only reason I need for anything.
SHELLEY
I love him! We’re going to be together,
whether you like it or not!
PHIL
Over my dead body! You will sit your butt down
and eat gazelle with your family!
SHELLEY
You know I’m a vegetarian! You’re so insensitive!
Come on, Chester!
They scamper off.
PJ
We’re gonna jet, too.
JP
There’s an inter-species kickball game tonight.
JANICE
Boys, finish your supper.
PJ
It’s fine, mom. We”ll grab a jackal or something after the game.
PHIL
Sons…
PJ/JP
Later, dad.
They scamper off.
PHIL
These kids today.
Janice gives him a disappointed look.
PHIL
What?
JANICE
I shed my extra maternal fur, you didn’t even notice.
PHIL
I was going to…
JANICE
It’s fine. I think I’m going to go to bed early.
PHIL
I work all day for this family and I come home to this? I should be respected!
JANICE
Oh for heaven’s sake, Phil. Sometimes you walk around
this place like you’re the king of the jungle.
She leaves.
PHIL
What just happened here?
THE END
