Jesus the Go-Getter

Jesus enters God’s office and sits down.

JESUS
Dad, I was wondering If I could speak to you
for a moment.

GOD
Sure, Son, what’s on your mind?

JESUS
Not much, really. I want to start by telling you how
happy I am about all the time we get to spend
together since I joined you up here at God Manor.

GOD
Me too, Son. Me too.

JESUS
And I totally don’t want to step on any toes when I say this,
but, are you planning on retiring anytime soon?

GOD
I’ve given it some thought: It’s just not the right time for
a transition. Maybe next year.

JESUS
You’ve been saying “Maybe next year” for over 2000 years.
We’ve been over this: The market is never in a position to
accept drastic change, but progress is a calculated risk
made with the willingness to take a step backwards in
order to move forward.

GOD
I knew I would regret letting you go to business school before
beginning your missionary duties. You spent your entire twenties
preaching about the benefit of assets over liabilities.
That’s why I cut all those years out of the bible.

JESUS
It’s much better having everyone think your son was a
shoeless, whore-mongering hippie.

GOD
You were a carpenter!

JESUS
I was building my own crucifix!
(calming down)
Look, Dad, when you asked me to join you on the throne,
I kind of thought we would rule as equals. At the very
least I expected on-the-job training for when my regime
takes power. But so far it’s been a lot of hurry up and wait.

GOD
I don’t know what to tell you, Son.
I feel as young as the day I started.

JESUS
That’s because you are as young as the day you started.
This is heaven, no one is aging. Because of the time
I spent on Earth in that desert heat, I actually
look, like, 35 years older than you and all the angels.
You brought me home to be a pedophile. Don’t tell me
you haven’t noticed the way people look at me
when I approach women.

GOD
It does look a bit odd.

JESUS
I look like a baby rapist!  You’ve made me a social pariah,
the least you can do is listen to my ideas.

GOD
Okay, tell me an idea.

JESUS
Really? Wow. I was expecting to have to fight harder for this.
Well, okay, off the top of my dome, Heaven time shares.
We get a bunch of Earthlings to buy a share of a…

GOD
I know what a time share is.

JESUS
Right, right. You know everything. That’s one of the
job perks I look most forward to.

GOD
They’re time shares, Jesus. You don’t need total omniscience
to know about time shares. What else?

JESUS
How about retail locations? We could franchise!

GOD
Maybe next year.

JESUS
“Maybe next year” just means no.

GOD
This year it does. Maybe next year it will mean yes.

JESUS
I just feel like we’re losing our market share, Pop.
I want to help bring the company back to greatness.
Times are changing, staying on top means new strategies
like viral ad campaigns and digital media. We need to
increase online functionality.

GOD
The internet, huh?

JESUS
It’s a universal medium.

GOD
I must admit, surfing the web is pretty cool. There’s a blog called
Poop or Chocolate where one of my “children”, Ben Axelrad,
writes these hilarious fake conversations between,
like…well, I can’t think of an example at the moment,
but take my word, they are really quite a hoot.

JESUS
This is great, Dad. I feel like we made some headway here.
You’re finally open to my ideas. So you’ll consider
stepping down soon?

GOD
(Thinking for a pause)
Can’t do it. Look at me – I’m an all-powerful baby!
I ain’t going nowhere. Now get over here and change my diaper:
God made a stinky.

JESUS
(Changing God’s diaper, disgusted)
You can create the entire world but you can’t change
your own diaper.

GOD
I can change it, I just like how soft you make my
bottom feel.

JESUS
I can’t believe I left Earth for this.

GOD
(Ignoring him)
Speaking of Earth: How’s your mother?
Is she still with whats-his-face?

JESUS
Joseph? He’s been dead for, like, two milleniums.

GOD
Really? So is she seeing anybody?

JESUS
I can’t believe I’m related to you.

GOD
You shoulda seen the look on Joey’s face when he found out
your mother was pregnant. Classic!

JESUS
I’ve heard that story like a thousand times.

THE END