Jesus of Braggereth

Jesus stands before a crowd, pre-crucifixion.

JESUS
Dudes and lady dudes, I beg you to reconsider.
I’m not trying to brag, but I think I bring a lot
to the community. Nazareth was kind of
a mega-drag before I got here. Like network
television will be once cable is invented.

LUKE
I don’t know, Jesus. Your cable TV analogy is pretty
convincing, but we all kind of think this is how
it’s written.

JESUS
That’s what I’m saying: It doesn’t have to be. Think about
it this way: Why am I dying?

CROWD
For the sins of the world .

JESUS
Right. I can die and you guys can go back to living
your boring lives. Or, you could just stop sinning, I stick around
and turn earth into a non-stop Coachella.

MATTHEW
And all we have to do is stop sinning altogether?

JESUS
Not all sins. Just the big stuff. Murder, rape, watching Vin Diesel movies.

MATTHEW
No God would tolerate that.

JOHN
Tell us a little bit about your reform package!

JESUS
Again, I’m not trying to brag, but I think a lot of my work speaks for itself.
Water to wine is just the icing, baby. Get me a bag of flour, I’ll make sure no one
in this town can feel their face. And the walking on water thing? That’s not even a
Messiah thing. I can teach that.

SOME PEOPLE
Jesus brings the party!

OTHER PEOPLE
Free sin for life!

JESUS
In the future there will be a band called Van Halen and they, too, will
decide to sacrifice their leader, David Lee Roth. This will mark the greatest
divide in music history. Many will go with God and DLR, while others will choose
Sammy Hagar, Van Halen, and the devil. Music will never be the same. If you make the
right choice now, perhaps the future will be spared.

PROPHET
I too have seen the future and I know of David Lee Roth. Jesus, you are no David Lee Roth.

JESUS
Okay, that may have been a stretch. But y’all know ain’t no party like a Jesus party.

JUDAS
You’re such a braggart.

JESUS
Hey, dawg, it ain’t braggin’ if it’s true.

PROPHET
In 2009, a blogger named Ben Axelrad will disprove that.

MARK
Perhaps he is the true Messiah. Can he turn one thing into another thing just by touching it?

PROPHET
With only the repeated thrusting of his pelvis he can turn a jello mold into a vagina.

JESUS
That is pretty impressive.

CROWD
All hail Ben Axelrad!

THE END