Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader: PART I

Ben approaches a 5th Grader.

BEN
Television is going around telling everyone that you’re smarter than me.
5TH GRADER
My mom says that I am not supposed to talk to strangers.
BEN
Well what do you think?
5TH GRADER
I think I should do what my mom says.
BEN
How old is your mom? Like 40?
5TH GRADER
I guess. What’s your point?
BEN
My point is, your mom is dumber than a 5th Grader. She should be doing what you say.
5TH GRADER
Okay.
BEN
No. It’s not okay, Fifthy. I’m tired of people saying you’re smarter than me. We’re gonna settle this right f’ing now.
5TH GRADER
Are you gonna kidnap me?
BEN
I’m gonna kidnap that kid-sized brain of yours and return it to you SCHOOLED. First question: What’s the capitol of Zimbabwe?
5TH GRADER
Harare.
BEN
Is that right? I don’t even know. I was hoping you wouldn’t know.
5TH GRADER
It’s Harare.
BEN
Alright. You win this round, Fifth Grader.
5TH GRADER
How many quarts are in a liter?
BEN
Crap, I should know this. It’s a booze question. Ummmm…
5TH GRADER
1.06.
BEN
I was gonna say that, seriously! It was right on the tip of my tongue.
5TH GRADER
Yeah right. You don’t know anything.
BEN
Oh yeah? Do you know how to take a nap at work while on a conference call? Do you know the best way to sleep with a girl without saying I love you? Do you know how to roll a joint while working a stick shift? Huh? Do ya?
5TH GRADER
No, but my mom says those things are stupid and wrong.
BEN
God I hate your mom! Next question: Who wrote the…?…
5TH GRADER
Francis Scott Key.
BEN
How did you…?…
5TH GRADER
In which state is Butte located?
BEN
In which state is “Butt” located?
5TH GRADER
We were making that joke in the 3rd Grade.
BEN
Dammit. I’ve gotta find a 3rd Grader.

Part 2