Dear Friends, Family, and Cherished Fast Food Chains,
4/24/2011, 10:02 AM – Without telling a soul, I foolishly embarked on a three day health cleanse. I’m only to consume protein drinks and fruits and vegetables at regular two hour intervals. I began at 8:00 AM this morning. I fear I will be dead by nightfall.
4/24/2011, 10:06 AM – Things have only gotten worse since my last entry. Every minute feels like a hour; every second smells like a lamb chop. I tried eating a stopwatch. It was too pointy.
4/24/2011, 3:48 PM – Just slept for five and a half hours. Feeling refreshed/hungry.
4/24/2011, 6:15 PM – Drank my last protein supplement of the day. The powder mixture comes in a container with Jillian Michaels on it. If you find this correspondence, please kill Jillian Michaels for me.
You have boy arms. I hate you.
4/25/2011, 8:20 AM – For breakfast I ate one cup of raw broccoli. There is no God.
4/25/2011, 11:49 AM – My mind is starting to play tricks on me. Moments ago I thought to myself, If the cleanse is so horrible, why don’t you just stop doing it? Indecipherable nonsense, I know. It’s like I’m living in a fever dream.
The Year 2015, Future O’Clock – I’ve decided it’s unfair that I won’t get to see the year 2015 , so I’ve written this entry from the future. I’m writing it in the present, but as you can see, I altered the date and time, which makes it the future. I’m totally right about this.
A “To Do” list of things I’ll need to take care of in 2015:
1. Polish time machine.
2. Polish professional accolades (Grammy, Nobel Peace Prize, Top Salesman – Fall 2013, etc.)
3. Polish robo-dog.
4. Stop polishing all your future-shit and learn how to operate the damn time machine. You can use it to go back and stop yourself from doing that fatal health cleanse.
5. Eat hamburger.
4/25/11, 2:23 PM – Saw a Papa John’s ad on television. Had to destroy my cell phone and internet to prevent myself from ordering delivery.
4/25/11, 4:11 PM – Got my arm stuck under some frozen goods while trying to retrieve a quart of ice cream from the freezer. The weight was too much for me to move in my weakened state. I had to break off my arm at the elbow to free myself. I’m currently building a robotic replacement. I can’t believe my father is such a monster.
4/25/11, 4:28 PM – CORRECTION: My arm fell asleep while watching The Empire Strikes Back on TBS. My hallucinations are growing more vivid and parody-driven.
4/25/11, 9:33 PM – Finished my last will and testament. I’m leaving everything to Jillian Michaels. I take back everything bad I said about her.
4/26/11, 4:18 AM – Can’t sleep. It could be the hunger, or it could be the fourteen 1-3 hour long hunger naps I’ve taken over the last two days.
4/26/11, 6:53 AM – It’s my final day of the cleanse and I’ve officially hit rock bottom. As I send this message out to Poop or Chocolate I find myself thinking, I’d eat either.
My name is t.j. and in twenty-four hours I’m going to eat a garbage bag full of Chicken McNuggets.
