I’m not saying our secondary education system is a little bit insane. There are plenty of legitimate reasons to enroll yourself or re-enroll yourself in a higher education as part of your constant interpersonal quest for knowledge and furthering your family’s scholastic legacy.

I get that.

I’m just saying that I am in the process of completing my Bachelor’s Degree at a prestigious private university and one of my classes is “Bowling.”

This is the best player in my class. He's a bowling prodigy MVP. Every class opens with him walking in late with his hands thrown up shouting, "YO WHAT'S UP MY TIGGAH'S" We never laugh, mainly out of fear.

Usually at the end of every course there’s a breakdown of items you’re expected to walk away with, tidbits of the class that somehow enrich your life in some way or another; here are my predictions for what I may learn come semester’s end:

  • It is completely disrespectful and inappropriate to smack talk other players you’re not actually friends with, but are just there to get a grade like you. Rather than making it slightly more awkward to bowl with strangers than it already is, try letting out your fake aggression by simply shouting, “SUCK IT, BERNICE!” at the top of your lungs. No one will be offended, because that hasn’t been anyone’s name for at least 40 years.
  • Never make a sexually suggestive joke that involves the word, “balls” when on the lane. Not because it’s crude, but simply because it’s just – way – too easy.
  • When not at “bat” (can you tell I’m a hodgepodge of sports knowledge?) hanging out at the Old Man Bar that will inevitably be situated in the back of every Bowling Alley is the best way to spend your time. Pretending to recount old glory day tales and peppering your stories with crafty nicknames for your old teammates is not only the best way to entertain your new 50 years and older friends, but you’ll feel cool doing it. My personal picks are: Laces McNeil, Scratch Nelson, Neil Squiggly, Harpo Bazaar (heir to the magazine fortune), Googly Eyes McGuill, and of course JJ Koolay (arguably the coolest guy on the team.)
  • Be careful with your smack talk. Never, under any circumstances should you yell at your slightly overweight Professor, “You better get me a spoon, ‘cause I’m gonna eat your ass!” no matter how many times she asks you politely to tie your bowling shoes.

My name is Julia Prescott and it’s taken every inch of my personal willpower to only allow one BIG LEBOWSKI reference in this entire post. Babysteps guys, babysteps.