1. I don’t recall the last time I signed a petition, stood for a cause, or even knew of one. Haven’t rallied or picketed in awhile. Virtually never gasp or guffaw at anything. But I’ve signed my name to Facebook movements insisting Betty White hosts everything from SNL to the Oscars to an orgy. I’ve supported the Yankees quest for a quicker million fans than the Red Sox. And I’ve helped the Red Sox in their quest to get a millions fans before the Yankees. (Don’t tell Facebook, I’m not a fan of either team.) It’s almost a shame Facebook doesn’t use its sway for the betterment of the world. I say “almost” knowing that if Facebook actually went political no one would use it anymore. 50% of young people are registered to vote. I can think of one young person not on Facebook, and she’s political! Betty White is as political as most of these kids get.
2. Let’s pump some political jams into this blog-in. And by “political jams” I mean music that sounds like it could be about political struggle but is actually about soccer. Music is an interpretable art, I choose to know a song is about one thing and still interpret it differently. Some call that the mark of genius. Geniuses call that the mark of stupid. Could a stupid guy cue his own mu’fuckin’ music? Probably.
While the song played I received word from stupid guy as to whether he can cue his own mu’fuckin’ music. His answer was: “Blarth.” So there.
3. SPOILER ALERT if you haven’t seen the season finale of 30 ROCK . . . and also if you’re about four years behind on SCRUBS. Jesus, man, catch up or erase the tivos. Your DVR is turning into a time capsule. Anyhoo, back to 30 ROCK . . . and old SCRUBS. It’s official: Elizabeth Banks is the tomboyish guest star you bring in to get accidentally impregnated by your male lead. And she’s always like, “I’m pregnant? Always thought this whole between my legs was a beer cozy.” First John Dorian. Now Jack Donaghy. Elizabeth Banks is the new face of unwanted, unladylike pregnancy. Also, she apparently has a thing for the highly fertile initials JD.
4. LOST series finale. Letterman had the exec producers on the other night for a Top Ten spoilers list. Rumor has it six of ten are true.
Even the LOST guys agree, Betty White is the new face of unwanted, unladylike politics. I’m expecting to be enthralled by the finale, but I’m also expected others to be really angry at the consecration of six years of confusion. That might be better than the episode itself. Interested to hear how many televisions are smashed after the finale. I’ll probably smash one regardless of the show, just to be a part of history. Oh man, what if the whole show turns out to be Locke’s anesthetic-induced spinal operation dream? People will be SO MAD. This is gonna be great. I’m gonna go on Facebook and vote for the finale to be a stinker.
My name is Ben, who’s the stupid guy now? Shut up.
…Los Angeles Hipster Fill-in-the-Blank Hangout Edition
Hey. I’m really pissed that I missed your Los Angeles Hipster Fill-in-the-Blank Hangout. What was happening?
There was a dance party in the middle of the back alley of the Getty Villa? Dov Charney, the creator and CEO of American Apparel threw out balloons of coke to the first 50 people More >
Everybody gets one. Whether we choose an actor, a professional athlete, or the sexiest political commentator on TV (Wolf Blitzer, obviously), each and every one of us normal people is allowed one “Get Out of Jail Free” card, valid for fornicating with the celebrity of our choosing. This rule, of course, is only applicable when More >
We have become way too casual with the word fan, y’all. I opened my inbox yesterday and what did I find?
No, Papa John, I don’t want to be part of your fan club. You make pizza, quit misinterpreting our relationship! You’re starting to sound like the drug dealer who wants to hang out. I like More >
C’mon, guys, it’s me. I beg you to not believe the rumors. It was an honest mistake; a misunderstanding really. Had I known we were “cartoonifying” our Facebook profiles to raise awareness of violence against children I never would’ve selected this picture:
I realize how it must have come across; like I’m insensitive to the atrocities More >
This week, Facebook users around the world collectively exclaimed, “Hey, what does the letters look little on ma Twitter?” We’re all very stupid. Translated, the question we’re asking is, “Why did Facebook change to a smaller font size?” (Also, please note that we were all collectively masturbating while asking that question. We’re all very perverse.)
No More >
In the most hollow victory of all time, Jennifer Aniston recently topped the 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll for “Most Eligible Single Woman in the World.”
She really dominated, I’ll give her that, but how much does it really mean when your competition includes, well, let’s break it down.
Halle Berry (Age: 44, Hotness: A, Fame Level: B-)
Though More >
Today’s release of The Social Network officially marks my total, helpless submission to Facebook. I’ve recognized for some time now that I have been encumbered with status updates, “likes”, events, photo albums, and everything else put at my blistering fingertips by The Book. (Like some sort of holy e-text, I often refer to the all-knowing More >
I’m not on Linked In. Or if I am, I didn’t intend for that. I’m not really sure what Linked In is or does or means. I assume it has something to do with the professional world, but I’m not really sure what that is or More >
A couple weeks ago I made a joke about Betty White existing as the last living Golden Girl, despite Rue McClanahan being both a Golden Girl and alive. Well, call it a prophecy; call it an educated guess based on oldness; call it verbal murder; my joke has become true. R.I.P Golden Girl Rue McClanahan. More >
When you’re a kid and someone asks you your age, every day counts. “Six and a half.” “Nine and three quarters.” “I’ll be eight next week.” Then double digits arrive and everything changes. “I’m eleven.” “Not eleven and a half?” “I ain’t half of shit, bitch.” “Yipes! Language!” To the owner of the age it More >
